Sunday, January 4, 2015

Why me?

 The "why me?" question has so many facets...its quite the favorite question of anyone who may be struggling with difficulty.  Why me? & Why not me? tends to be the famous pondering of women struggling with not being able to have children.  Here lately I have been analyzing our personal situation of 10 pregnancy losses, several failed adoptions, 4 successful additions to our family, and the potential for more children and ask my own slew of "why me?" questions.

   Why me and not her?  Why yes and not no... why do I continue to be able to wake up each morning and make bottles, sippy cups, and change diapers.  Why do I get to teach my daughter Math and Reading and watch her blossom everyday into a fantastic young lady?  Why do I get to do "puzzle time" and "story-time" and why do I get to lay my actual hands on them and pray to the Lord for blessings and favor every night?  Why did I not have to continue begging, yearning, and pleading for a miracle?  Even though my womb still hasnt been opened to carry full term, why has other women been so led to carry their children and then hand them to me to be their Mommy?  Why me?

I'm not better, smarter, or more capable?  I'm not more of anything?  Was it just a slip of pure luck?

The question hangs around everyday lingering in the air as I hear them play, learn, giggle, and even argue as siblings do.  The question hangs around above my head, floating around, right next to the other question that dosent leave my mind...  "Why not her?"

Why not her Lord?  Why not them?  They are more capable, smarter, most loving, and would be eternally grateful...Why not that girl?  That couple?  Did they draw a shorter straw? 

Going from infertile and having numerous miscarriages to having a brood of children has changed many things in my life.  One grievous part is that my "infertile" friends have moved me out of their circle.  I no longer am allowed to hear their hearts and feel their pain alongside them.  I'm assuming that this isn't done purposely but as I remember the heart wrenching pain of my losses and unknown future, I completely can understand the fading away.  I've failed to accept this completely as I still talk with many who are in hopes of one day having a family.  I think my story is undeserving to me, meaning I couldn't have bought it or earned it in any way.  In all my imagination I couldn't have even made it up; it just happens to be what I was given.  I don't however stop grieving my children that never met this world, reguardless of the little ones I have now.  I creep back into the infertilty circle to cry every now and then, sometimes I let people know I am there and other times I do it quietly.

Regardless of what work God has done in your life and what you two have conquered together; may you never forget where you have been.  I may never know the answer to the "Why me?" and "Why not her?" questions.  I think I may ask them may be crucial that I never stop asking them.  I think if I would stop, I most likely would forget where I've been altogether.  I always will be the lady of infertility and miscarriage; that I would never wish to change; not because I now have children to raise, but because of the great perspective it's given me and all the gifts that came along with it.  It is all so much bigger then myself and so much bigger then all the pain.  It is all so worth knowing Jesus more and finding Him in the midst of brokenness.  I realize as days turned into long years that it was always about Him.