Monday, January 12, 2015
Have you ever just wrestled with the past so much that it started to form your present days into disarray? Maybe it was something you did to someone else that causes you great sadness; or most likely, what you may dwell on, is what offenses someone else has brought to you.
Finding freedom from things that have been done against you may be one of the hardest battles a person will face..and a continuous battle at that. Anyone that has been wronged knows that it doesn't just take a one-time act of forgiveness to find healing but generally a ongoing repetitive form of freedom takes place over many many times of choosing to forgive.
I, like you, can rattle off the times that I feel I have been ripped off, misjudged, or wronged. There may be hundred or thousands of times in my life that I have been the underdog in a situation. However there is always a small list of infractions that is set apart from the rest; the ones that seem to keep rearing their ugly heads at you year after year. The ones that when you think of them you can easily go back to that time period and get angry all over again. These are what I call the, "forgiveness fighters."
Forgiveness Fighters don't remind you of all the details of an event; just the most painful ones. They are quiet thoughts that creep in most unexpectedly, and can turn your ordinary day into something like a whirlwind of reminiscing & despair. They can take something that was far away from your mind into a very close encounter of heartache and misfortune. I have forgiveness fighters that follow me around from time to time but I have one that is matchless in agony and every time it decides to inflict some pain upon me, I fall into its ugly pit.
I've wrestled with him for years and its an excruciating battle. He uses true events to beat me down; which is so hard to fight against. Every time I have to admit that yes, that happened, and his facts are accurate. Its finding my freedom in that moment that is more then I can handle on my own. I first start to think about the facts, remembering everything about the offense. Sometimes the forgiveness fighter will even hand me something that I had forgotten over time; a remnant of agony and remind me of something attached to the event. This always is a sure sign I'm heading the wrong way...my every thought starts to attach themselves to this offense and before I know it I am reliving it and so is the person who wronged me.
There are times where I sit in this dessert for days or weeks. Recently I sat there for just a bit longer and it was just a bit dryer there then Ive experienced ever before. The remedy to this is always the same; but coming to the realization that you even need a remedy is always difficult. Generally, I can wander around there for a time before I "snap" out of it and realize that I've been tricked into that biter hole again. Ive been robbed of many things including kindness during this...because I don't know about you, but when I'm dwelling on something hard and its consumed my mind, I'm not a very pleasant person to be around. I tend to take it out on my entire family and shut down from the rest of the world.
This time was different in the sense that the bitterness came with powerful justification. I convinced myself that I was entitled to feel this way and act like I needed to be in defense mode. Usually I know I'm being wrong when I do it and feel bad about it. But this time I couldn't have found my way out of this vast dry place by myself if I wanted to. The remedy is always Jesus, but instead of following Him back onto fertile ground, He had to drag me out kicking and screaming. I was quite content being miserable.
The power the Lord exhibits when He comes for you is incredible. I was in a lost way of thinking; not one good thing was in my mind and in my heart. I was a rotting mess and He came to my rescue...once again! Praise the Lord for His incredible love! One glimpse with Him and He revealed every lie that I was hanging out with. An incredible weight of depression left and I began to cry.. I always am so sad when reality is revealed showing that I can be that easily led down the road to misery. My only hope is that He always comes to get me no matter where I am. He reminds me of forgiveness and healing and I cloak it back around my shoulders and continue moving forward.
I once again stood upright, put my shoulders back, and went to the one who originally hurt me. Ironically then, I apologized and asked for their forgiveness as well. Without hesitation the answer was yes.
Forgiveness isn't a weak response to pain, it is instead the absolute fail-proof cure to it!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Why me and not her? Why yes and not no... why do I continue to be able to wake up each morning and make bottles, sippy cups, and change diapers. Why do I get to teach my daughter Math and Reading and watch her blossom everyday into a fantastic young lady? Why do I get to do "puzzle time" and "story-time" and why do I get to lay my actual hands on them and pray to the Lord for blessings and favor every night? Why did I not have to continue begging, yearning, and pleading for a miracle? Even though my womb still hasnt been opened to carry full term, why has other women been so led to carry their children and then hand them to me to be their Mommy? Why me?
I'm not better, smarter, or more capable? I'm not more of anything? Was it just a slip of pure luck?
The question hangs around everyday lingering in the air as I hear them play, learn, giggle, and even argue as siblings do. The question hangs around above my head, floating around, right next to the other question that dosent leave my mind... "Why not her?"
Why not her Lord? Why not them? They are more capable, smarter, most loving, and would be eternally grateful...Why not that girl? That couple? Did they draw a shorter straw?
Going from infertile and having numerous miscarriages to having a brood of children has changed many things in my life. One grievous part is that my "infertile" friends have moved me out of their circle. I no longer am allowed to hear their hearts and feel their pain alongside them. I'm assuming that this isn't done purposely but as I remember the heart wrenching pain of my losses and unknown future, I completely can understand the fading away. I've failed to accept this completely as I still talk with many who are in hopes of one day having a family. I think my story is undeserving to me, meaning I couldn't have bought it or earned it in any way. In all my imagination I couldn't have even made it up; it just happens to be what I was given. I don't however stop grieving my children that never met this world, reguardless of the little ones I have now. I creep back into the infertilty circle to cry every now and then, sometimes I let people know I am there and other times I do it quietly.
Regardless of what work God has done in your life and what you two have conquered together; may you never forget where you have been. I may never know the answer to the "Why me?" and "Why not her?" questions. I think I may ask them forever...it may be crucial that I never stop asking them. I think if I would stop, I most likely would forget where I've been altogether. I always will be the lady of infertility and miscarriage; that I would never wish to change; not because I now have children to raise, but because of the great perspective it's given me and all the gifts that came along with it. It is all so much bigger then myself and so much bigger then all the pain. It is all so worth knowing Jesus more and finding Him in the midst of brokenness. I realize as days turned into long years that it was always about Him.