Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I'm one of those

In my last 16 years of infertility I have been able to relate with people in many of the infertility categories..

Secondary Infertility:  At age 17 I bore a son, Tanner, with no complications, 6lbs 9oz...I had no idea that I was taking it for granted.  He has a beautiful daughter who reminds me of this, as I watch him as a father.

Adoption: Our daughter Ilana was our first adoption, brought home at birth.  Following behind her was Liam and Abel.

Adult Adoption:  Our son, Karlos, was brought up in the "system" since he was 7.  At the age of 19 we adopted him legally into our family and he also has brought us a beautiful daughter in law and two brilliant grandbabies.

Ectopic Pregnancy:  Thaddeus is what we named him...ten weeks along, strong heartbeat, emergency surgery.

Clotting disorders:  Diagnosed with MTHFR and PAI-1 causes me to be reliant upon baby aspirin, heparin shots, and L-Methafolate

Implantation Failure:  Progesterone is just not my thing...apparently.  Shots, suppositories, or capsules are my friend during pregnancy

Immune Disorder:  Total complete DQ-Alpha Matching for me and my spouse...really!  One in a million. 

Immune Therapy:  During pregnancy I sit in the cancer unit with IV intralipids running through my veins for 4 hours.  Tiresome and not to mention extremely boring.

Recurrently Pregnancy Loss:  This is the part that seems unreal.  Each baby that has left us seems hard to swallow.  First it was our first, then our second, now our tenth.

Ten losses.
This is the group that I didn't want to belong to.  Not that any of them sounded celebrity-like.  This is the group though that sets you apart from others more.  This is the one that makes you weird, where people don't know what to say to you.  This is the one that entitles you to a T-shirt that says habitual.

"Habitual Aborter" ...that's what the world of infertility and RE's call you in this category.

We just said good-bye to our 10th baby.  Boy or girl, I'll never know.  The color of their hair or sound of their giggle.  Never.

This walk at times has felt alone mostly, although I know that that's not true.
I live proud of each little one, each warrior of Christ..each one waiting for our reunion.
I added another star to my wall..in remembrance of you.  I think of you as a fantasy but I know in truth that you are alive and well.

Yes, I'm one of those!  Habitual mothers!  A big load of them..and I love every single one!
If you happen to find yourself in any of the categories I mentioned, please know that I get it.  I totally understand, and if you find yourself alone..just know that its a lie.  Im right here with you.