It was a huge surprise to realize how sick Liam really was. Since he was born he had sounded congested but we were told many times that it was related to him being a C-Section baby and because he never experience the big squeeze during vaginal labor, he was full of mucus. On average it would be gone in a week, but as time went on it only got worse. At 3 1/5 weeks we would be staying over a week in the ICU at Lutheran Hospital.
His diagnosis seem so bizarre and rare enough, even though the ICU may see cases like this often doesn't leave us much reassurance the outside world does. Sick babies come to this unit, certainly they are used to seeing such things but to us it was just unbelievable. Our baby boy was finally here and home with us and now he was covered in tubes and wires. I knew then that what God had been telling me for years would now come into effect weather I listened or not.
My whole life I have wanted to be a mom, and a good one. I wanted to teach my kids over the top about things that really matter, tell them the truth, and prepare them to be great at heart and in love with God. I had lots of ideas and daydreams about how I would raise them and be involved in their lives. I wanted to be a great mom and take my responsibility of raising my kids very seriously. It was to be the calling on my life.
You tend to loose sight of the simple things, the foundational things God calls us to do sometimes. We get wrapped up into every opportunity to serve somewhere else, probably more for self fulfillment then serventhood. In the background sits my husband and children waiting to be cared for, kids in front of the TV...eating junk food and being taught by someone else. My commitments to everyone else, the world, has stolen so much from me. Unfortunately enough, it has stolen from those that I love the most as well.
My call to stop was not suttle, I have been told that for years. Its been loud and firm...I just chose to not listen. I figured if I was doing good work then why not be involved. With Liam and what is revolving him at this time, God has commanded me to stop. I have no choice. With monitors and machines laying on every flat surface in our home and a continuous feeding pump that keeps me tight reigned close to Liam's side, I am forced to sit. I sit and think and watch and react....I stare at him and respond to every cry and alarm. I am his keeper. As I have been put back in my position here I have watched the results that I have created from choosing other things over my family previously.
My family has missed me, my family has needed me. Was it being a servant or being selfish that really kept me from my true responsibility? I think it was a bit of both, I wanted to help but also wanted to be somebody...when truly the somebody I was created to be was right here at home all along.