Thursday, October 27, 2011

Small Moment...Big lesson

A few days ago I was frazzled at the seams and frigid to say the least.  Keeping up with work and my list of things at home were taking up every thought in my brain, besides that I forced in our first grade I'm hoping I'm not the only homeschooling mom that has rushed days. I was tense and aggravated at every episode that came my way.  The farm was being "too needy" with new puppies and chores, the phone was beckoning me at every moment, and the stressful wait of our adopted sons arrival was hanging in the air.  His anticipated arrival has by far had me responding radically to every situation.  Every appointment/plan hinges on his grand entrance.  I am sitting on the edge of my seat in waiting mode.

All while my home circus was in full bloom & my mental state was racing rapidly, Ilana danced and swirled around the house as if it was her play yard...she sang, and twirled, laughed, and played.  She turned on music and swooped around the house on her roller skates in and out of each room with a huge smile on her face.  I was too busy to notice at first.  She put 100% in trying to turn in a fast circle while skating around and weaving in and out of her favorite puppy as he tried tirelessly to keep up with her.  She ran up the stairs and slid back down them, raced back up again and played hard.  She had a animated play with her dollies and stopped for a breather to watch Strawberry Shortcake...then she was off again.  I hushed her during phone calls and silenced her when she asked questions as I was on the computer or in the middle of something that seemed important.

During lunch time I placed her at the table with her microwaved meal and huge glass of her favorite, strawberry milk.  She was big eyed and full of joy as I laid it upon the table.  Just as I was turning away to grab something else, my hand caught the edge of her glass and in slow motion we watched as the cup tipped towards her.  It crashed without remorse and with a huge intake of air Ilana and I both gasped aloud.  I stopped and just looked at her, sitting so pretty in her favorite red dress and matching shoes.  She looked like a princess with a shocked expression on her dear face.  I didn't know what to say, I expected her to be angry and before I could tell her I was sorry she let out to my surprise the biggest laugh.  She belly laughed with all her might..its crazy how addictive a laugh can be.  In the midst of milk and pink strawberry flavoring we hugged and laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes.

We cleaned it up together and I shut down the world for the rest of the day to hang out with her.

That night as I tucked her into bed Ilana says, "remember when you were mad today when things were going bad but when my milk spilled we laughed?"  In adult terms I took that as..."remember when you were grouchy when you didn't get your way but when I didn't get mine I still found something to be happy about"  It was a big reminder for me...She is a big reminder to me!  Things dont have to be tense, I dont have to let my day make me miserable, and rushing around gets me no where fast!

Hoping that I can remember this little lesson as the days get closer to baby time, and work gets more involved with Faith N Fertility.  Praying for peace...and wisdom.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Any day now...

The countdown is officially at 23 days in waiting.  Baby boy still has no name but his room is ready.  Diapers are on the shelf, clothes in the drawers, and momma bear is waiting patiently with baby powder in the rocking chair.  Im beside myself that its soo close to coming into a reality. 

Switching our old nursery into the new nursery was time consuming and a bit hard.  I didnt do anything dramatic or spend lots of money.  In fact its super plain and simple.  It was the difficult task of taking out my old things...doctors reports, gifts given to us from our previous miscarriage, hospital bags reminding us of our overnight stays. Getting rid of the reminders that cause me to fear and worry...reminding me with a time that was so painful.  I left a few ultrasound pics on baby boys dresser of his past siblings...still very proud of my heaven babies :)

Its just the right balance now and feels like its his room.  I fiddle in there every day wondering what he going to look like and sound like...

Any day now the phone will ring and she will be in labor.  Any day now he will open his eyes for the first time and I will adore him.  My life will come to a halt when he arrives, just for some moments of reflection.  Im sure he will bring joy with him and also a rememberance of what we have lost.  Im sure he will have my heart...he already does. 

A new chapter is starting...oooh how Ive waited for this.  Thank you Lord for this time of relief and provision.  Ilana is waiting on the edge of her seat, with sparkling eyes she talks of her new life with her little brother :)  Last week she dressed up for the local trunk or a monarch butterfly.  She fluttered around, dancing the whole day long.  She put on her costume at daybreak and wore it to bed that night...she was a true princess in every aspet.  I soppose life will feel like that for a time...full of excitement and joy, a great dance of sweetness that starts in the morning and puts you to sleep at night.

Any day now...