Thursday, May 19, 2011

Spilling it all..

My heart is sensitive in 3 categories this week..because I have so much to share I am breaking it down in 3 sections..Here goes!

BABY LOSS:
This week has been tough with the announcement of the genders of all the babies to come that are around me.  The circle of friends that I have is saturated with women who are expecting, we all were just weeks apart.  It has been hard to hear the exciting news of upcoming deliveries.  Its not that I'm sad for them having something that I don't; its that my baby will not be celebrated..no one will google over her or admire the way her face is shaped. My sweet girl misses out on a life with family & friends..I miss out on seeing her grow & mold into a purposeful life. Because our children were so close in age, I will forever ache for the daughter we never held when I hear of all the new developments. The pain has turned from sad to anger to sad to angry again.  I am still morning my Thadeus and before I can heal from that we are morning another child with minimal answers as to why.

TESTING & NEW DISCOVERIES:
All my testing is back..I have a couple things I was not aware of.  I tested positive for MTHFR & PAI-1, these seem to be in somewhat of 20% of ttc couples. MTHFR is a B vitamin deficiency, its treated by additional folic acid and is linked to miscarriage. I was on preventive for this by taking Folguard daily but after researching, I found that the type of folate that we need is called L-Methylfolate.  It is a broken down version of the folate making MTHFR patients able to absorb it correctly.  Folguard does not contain this form so I am looking into taking a med called Metanx. This is something I will have to take for a lifetime.

PAI-1 is a clotting disorder, which I knew I was already borderline for something like this. The treatment is to take a baby aspirin daily for life and then start heparin while pregnant.  I also was taking this remedy after we had ivf done. I researched this also and found that with clotting disorders in pregnancy it is best to take a low molecular weight heparin such as Lovenex instead of heparin itself. These are definitely some small changes I will make when we return for our babies.  It isn't however enough changes for me to feel confident about running back to the Dr in the near future.  I have been aggravated and dissatisfied this week with the lack of answers.  God is working on me...as always

MY SECRET:
The news everyone has been waiting for.  The Creator of miracles is ALWAYS at work. Shortly after we found out we were pregnant we received some news that we have kept tucked away.  We were hesitate but hopeful that things would work out, as time moves on, our eyes are being opened to knowing that what I'm about to announce is real & God breathed. 

After careful consideration on details & speaking with my friend who is involved in this situation, I feel urged to share this with all of you...

We are adopting a baby in November!  The mom has been in my life for around 10 yrs..she is so sweet to encourage me to share my feelings on here in hopes that it helps me in the waiting period & with the stress of our babies loss.  This baby will be arriving around the time our daughter would of arrived.  The details to this story is what is so amazing to me, I have to reserve them at this time but as they unfold you will see how great Gods divine appointment is when things line up under His will.  To protect the baby's mommy we will call her "Elle".  As you write comments on here she reads them and I encourage you to bless her by expressing to her how lovely a person is to consider adoption as an option.  She is not on Faith N Fertility so please leave your comments on here instead of facebook.

Day by day the Lord is breaking down the guard I put on my heart for this baby.  I think its healthy to simply guard your heart but I had a wall forbidding me to feel anything in hopes I would not be hurt again.  Losing children, in whatever way they come to you, is such a torment on the mind & heart of a women.  I was terrified to grieve again while I'm already grieving two babies that I just lost so recently.  I spoke to a friend who encouraged me to pray for the baby; something I almost refused to do.  I spoke vague prayers but nothing beyond a "bless Elle & bless baby" I knew that if I did pray with my heart; I would fall in love and there would be no turning back.

A few days ago I was laying on the couch & was pondering on the baby in Elle's belly.  I started thinking about the baby I was carrying and how much I prayed for every little detail...I prayed for her whole life. It rushed to me so quickly all the finite things that needed to be said over Elle's little baby.  I started wondering who was praying besides Elle??  Who was asking the Father about the babies life in detail?? I started getting anxious about all the spiritual work that needed done.  I went into fervent prayer for Elle, her body, her life, her decisions, her safety, her family, her home...and then on to praying for the baby in a way a Mommy prays for her child.  I knew then in my heart that this was real & that my baby is on the way.

I talk to Elle mostly everyday by text or phone, I seen her a few days ago and squeezed her so hard.  Its good to see her face and see how good she is doing.  Please pray for this sweet girl and for the sacrifice she is making.  Please pray for her to be blessed beyond measure and for God to pursue her in a way that draws her closer to Him always. 

In a few weeks we too will find out the gender of our baby....how ironic is that!

I cant wait to share more as time progresses! We have not shared with Ilana yet..but how exciting it will be when she sees how adoption blesses a family..and how badly we want this new baby and how badly we wanted her!