Sunday, May 1, 2011

Sigh.

The days have passed by without fail and they've been nothing short of weird for me.  I have maybe only cried once since the baby died.  I have had no real emotion for almost 2 weeks until last night.  I met up with some friends for a girls night...hanging out, eating pizza, and playing some cheesy games.  A few hrs into the night I felt anxiety creeping in, nearly within 30 min I was on the brink of a mental trap.  I texted Chad to come get me, not giving him any indication of anything other then I was tired.  He took his time getting there unaware of my current breakdown status.  I kept my composure, almost gave it all away when I met up with a friend in the kitchen letting her know I was going to head home early, I gave her some idea that I was "uncomfortable."  It wasn't until I was in the car on the way home that I realized that I was in a full blown panic attack.  I have not had one for nearly 4 years...I had forgotten how traumatic they can be.  I wailed all the way home, it started seconds after saying a smiling goodbye to my friends.  What in the world??  It came on so fast!  I felt so out of control..praying for God to sustain my thoughts and take over my reactions.  I was scrambling for my eternity focus..that happy place I have been these last days.

Thank Jesus for time..for the passing of time..and for every new day.  Today is new and different then last night, its more focused & not so heavy.

My mind before our girls night has been so empowered by God.  He has taken away my sadness and helped me claim victory where there seems to be none.  I have been so focused on the heavenly outcome and eternity status of the situation that I couldn't bear to even think about what had just happened.  I would have twinges of guilt that I wasn't "broken" over this child compared to the others but then I would realize that its not based on the level of love that I felt for this baby, but the place of maturity God graced me with for this time.  I never in a million years would think I could feel this way, be so full of joy, after such a loss in our family.  Joy has never came easy for me, and now it was just like a shirt I put on in the morning...it fit so perfectly and I just kept it on.  It was my favorite garment.  I liked myself more when I had this joy.  Its as though God let me taste what its like to be in that all the time.  When last night snuck up on me..it stole my joy instantly and I had to fight to get it back...I wasn't going to let it go very easily.

That makes it sound like I'm some kind of spiritual hard hitter but actually in reality...I did let it go easy.  I took 2 pain pills from my D&E and went to bed crying.  It was God's mercy & deep grace that allowed me to get up this morning feeling good.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow, I think that may be why I unconsciously had that episode.  I feel in my heart that it may be hard to hear what he has to say.  Our tests results should be in telling us if our baby was a boy or a girl.  Either answer on that testing is going to be painful and probably make this more real then its felt so far.  Our chromosome testing should be in, letting us know if our little one was genetically healthy.  Then we have to talk about our next steps...its always a beautiful conversation. No matter where you are and what Dr you are with it probably will consist of something that costs tons of money and guarantees no answers or promise.  I'm ready to talk to the Dr about my bleeding & cramping, Ive called once and was told it was normal but my gut tells me it may not be.  Tomorrow is 2 weeks and I have severe cramping at times and the bleeding is heavy all the time.  It has not tapered and causes me to worry about things like anemia.

I have been praying to God for wisdom, for my body to be healthy, and for Him to plain out just heal me.  He will do what He sees best as always.  I trust Him and love Him so much, I am hoping for clarity and direction for tomorrow.  If you feel led, please pray for me.

Big Hugs!