Friday, May 13, 2011

3 Days ago

I blogged this 3 days ago but between my computer having some viral infections & blogger being "down" I haven't been able to post it til now..Hope to write again tomorrow :)

So many things are up in the air...Undefined or not yet verified.  Things that are so important and they hang in the stillness of the day with no ambition to give me answers.  Waiting on the unexplainable today seems very heavy.
I teared up today as I ran across some “old” things from a few weeks ago.  It’s strange to think it’s only been 3 weeks.  I’m sure I’ve said that same line before attached to a different heartache.  I guess it’s not that hard to believe.  I still feel somewhat numb...Disappointed...Voided. 
I haven’t allowed myself to place much visual attachment to our baby.  Just knowing she is a girl makes it hard, a different kind of hard.  I think imagining a face or giggle will break me in two.
Life here has regained normalcy for the most part...Tanner is in school & working during the afternoons; I tend to miss him alot.  Ilana is home now, we have decided after much prayer to homeschool her...She is doing great!  Chad works non-stop trying to keep things moving along here. I seem to be doing a lot of things but inside I’m standing pretty still.  My thoughts are not very deep; just simple.
Exciting things do seem to be brewing for our family… just right out of reach.  I have a “secret” that I’ve kept pretty private since late February.  I have wanted badly to announce it to the world, for my own sake mostly.  I felt that the more people that know may make it more real…but it involves a friend of mine  and I recently received permission from her to openly talk about it this last week.   I was blessed that she encouraged me to express my emotions about this “secret” on here openly to you.  I am currently praying & waiting for the words to write.
Back on the recurrent pregnancy loss front; I received some testing back today, inhibin-b and Vit D...both normal.  I feel like there is not much more that I can be tested for.  I’m at a loss as to what could be wrong.  Most miscarriages fall into categories of fault; these include things like genetic abnormalities, uterine abnormalities, immune factors, male factor, hormonal aspects, and clotting factors.  I’ve been tested for them all & on meds for the ones I know I struggle with...Just not sure what else is out there.
All I know is I am here and am continuing to seek Gods direction,
I’m quite sure the Lord is creating one big beautiful story…