Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Title Change

The joy of the Lord has pressed into me the last few days in such a unnatural way.  I went to our appointment yesterday awaiting our ultrasound as a last visual of reality.  Either God had plans to preform a great miracle and answer our prayers or He was organizing a different plan...a better plan then even raising the dead.  The ultrasound showed our sweet baby still floating inside the gestational sac..no life, no heartbeat.

Surprisingly it brought great closure to us.  Seeing the baby, I felt no grief, only a reassurance that our little one was not really there anyway, and a great love for God that He would even care enough to make a place for our children to go and live forever.  I went into the D&E (Dilation and evacuation) without fear.  The screen had showed that my gestational sac had increased in size and I was taking on lots of fluid, it was either do a d&e or end up in the ER.   I was completely at peace and ready for it to be over.  I was glad that we were given the chance to maybe have some answers later from the chromosomal testing they will perform afterwards. 

Right before I was taken back to surgery, I heard a lie in my mind that I granted access to.  I entertained it for a few moments and it brought me to tears.  It was a thought that said, "you must apologize to Chad for not being able to keep his babies alive."  I looked at Chad sorrowfully and apologized, the reaction on his face was a reminder that this was not my fault.  I quickly took control back of my mind and chose not to dwell on such falseness.  There is no one to blame, just a journey that has been chosen for my family and because I trust God...I cant blame Him either.  I can only accuse Him of loving me enough to not give me what I want, in order to do what is best for me.  I can also accuse Him of protecting me from deeper pain then I received.

I was glad to wake and be with Chad again.  On our way home I thought about all the friends I have made on this adventure and how He has given me access to speak for the unborn and the hurting women in a way that I never could have attained on my own.  If I would conceive and carry every time I wanted with no problems, I would never be able to speak to women in this area and understand their pain.  I am privileged to have a voice in this community of women, and for that I am so grateful. 

Choosing to love God when we are suffering is not easy.  We know He has the power to change our circumstances without much effort..but its not loving God that stretches us..its trusting Him that grows us into a great love with Him in the first place.  God is never changing, and so His love is the same way..never changing, never fading...even if it means we sometimes hurt for our own sakes.  The Lord owes me nothing and I know that when I ask Him of things it can only be given by His mercy.  I don't deserve anything and neither does a single person on earth, the cross is sufficient; and if I had the great choice of receiving the cross and all that it means or receiving all the little desires of my self and heart...I would always chose the cross.  If I didn't, the Lord will chose it for me.  He knows in the center of my spirit that beyond all needs & wants, it is Him that I desire more then anything; more then myself.

I am filled with joy today that I don't understand, I am hesitate and a little guarded that maybe I will fall apart later.  I know that there will be times where my heart aches again for my little ones and that is to be expected, but I pray and long for this joy to stay cemented deep inside of me; for right now it brings me such freedom in a time where I could be so depressed, I am instead praising God!  I thank Him for doing the right thing for me all the time and loving me more then I could ever allow myself to be loved. 

My new blog title is being changed from 7 in a row..to 8 in a row.  Although I never wanted to raise my numbers, I daydream a beautiful picture of the day I pass from this earth and am rushed upon by faces I have never seen but recognize as parts of me and my husband.  I will know in my heart which one is my oldest..and youngest, and all the sweethearts in between.  I will spend eternity with them praising God for His goodness and greatness.  I thank the Lord right now for teaching me even now about His kindness and making the tough choices for me; for being such a good Dad.