Thursday, April 14, 2011

Its been 2 days since my ultrasound.  Two days with a baby inside of me that is no longer living.  Baby didn't grow and still measured around 6 weeks and no viable heartbeat.  How can it beat so strong one week and then the next there is nothing?

I felt demise when I went into the office, like something was not quite right.  I haven't felt normal since.  My instant response was shock...I said to the Dr a few times..."UN believe able!!" Stretching out the word so that the pauses were evident.  Then I laughed out loud crazy-like to Chad and just stared him in the eye as if he may laugh with me.

While in his office talking about the "next step dnc" I felt like I was in someone else's body

In the parking lot ready to leave, I had intense rage.  I beat on myself and the car and screamed as loud as I was physically capable.  I now repent of things I said that were untrue...such as, "I never want to be pregnant again!!"  and "This is all your testimony God, all for your story!!...(said sarcastically)

We drove to town and sit at a restaurant/bar with a pizza and pitcher of beer...thinking, whats it matter now?

and then we sat there and sat there into the late afternoon...slowly a few friends gathered around.

Chad broke down and left with a great friend who brought him back a few hours later all put back together for the time being.

I sat with Logan for hours...just staring, crying, and thinking about what just happened.

We had 2 confirmed ultrasounds at 2 different places...both my Missouri doc and Ft Wayne doc wants a dnc for genetic testing.  I want to know whats going on but kinda at a loss emotionally.  If I leave the baby in til my body passes it naturally we wont be able to test it...but my heart isn't ready to "remove" it.  If I have them do the dnc, I will never "see" the baby or anything that passes...my past experience is so used to that.  I will just be sent home feeling like I have went through a unnatural violation. 

Right now I just sit and pretend its not happening.  I read stories online about women with the same thing and a week later they go in for another ultrasound and lo and behold everything is fine.  I want hope in something like that...but being hopeless almost feels better.  I don't understand that but its as though if I know that the baby is 100% gone then I can move on, but if I feel any hope at all then it just drags out a "what if" and may lead to another disappointment.  I don't know but I think I may be just a bit screwed up.

I am fearful that I am in denial...I still feel pregnant, my body is still preforming like it was; sore and swollen, changing daily.  What in the world???  I just don't get this whole thing. 

I am so angry at myself and everyone and thing with the response of this.  Instead of going home and praying on my face to the God who raises the dead for a miracle..I went to the bar (which isn't even my thing) and when people pray for us they are praying for relief...not a miracle.  Why not a miracle??  What is wrong with us?  What is wrong with me?  How did hopelessness ever feel better then hope??  Why can we trust God when things are going good but not so much when our selfish hearts don't get what we want?  When did we start loving with conditions attached? Why not pray for the impossible to the "all things are possible" God?

Jesus, please come quickly, please restore life and viability...create a miracle in my womb!!! You are our only hope! We cant seem to fathom this Lord, please give us wisdom and a faith that moves mountains.  Help us to not doubt you.  Take this day and teach us about the works you do beyond human abilities.  Help us to believe you in all things and to not be tossed around like the wind.  Give us joy in You.  We love you and love this baby..please restore all things for Your glory.  Holy Spirit rush over us and our family, save us from the enemy of the Lord and redeem us.  Father, hear our cries and pour out your pure grace and mercy on us.  We deserve nothing good but know you are so gracious and loving..we cant help but ask.  Daddy please.