Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tests for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

Here is a list I have compiled for tests that can be run for recurrent pregnancy loss.  Some are included in the RPL panel but many are not.  Research each one separately and be your own patient advocate.  You need to know as much as you can in order to prevent losing another child to a lack of information.  If you have any questions about any of these please let me know.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Title Change

The joy of the Lord has pressed into me the last few days in such a unnatural way.  I went to our appointment yesterday awaiting our ultrasound as a last visual of reality.  Either God had plans to preform a great miracle and answer our prayers or He was organizing a different plan...a better plan then even raising the dead.  The ultrasound showed our sweet baby still floating inside the gestational life, no heartbeat.

Surprisingly it brought great closure to us.  Seeing the baby, I felt no grief, only a reassurance that our little one was not really there anyway, and a great love for God that He would even care enough to make a place for our children to go and live forever.  I went into the D&E (Dilation and evacuation) without fear.  The screen had showed that my gestational sac had increased in size and I was taking on lots of fluid, it was either do a d&e or end up in the ER.   I was completely at peace and ready for it to be over.  I was glad that we were given the chance to maybe have some answers later from the chromosomal testing they will perform afterwards. 

Right before I was taken back to surgery, I heard a lie in my mind that I granted access to.  I entertained it for a few moments and it brought me to tears.  It was a thought that said, "you must apologize to Chad for not being able to keep his babies alive."  I looked at Chad sorrowfully and apologized, the reaction on his face was a reminder that this was not my fault.  I quickly took control back of my mind and chose not to dwell on such falseness.  There is no one to blame, just a journey that has been chosen for my family and because I trust God...I cant blame Him either.  I can only accuse Him of loving me enough to not give me what I want, in order to do what is best for me.  I can also accuse Him of protecting me from deeper pain then I received.

I was glad to wake and be with Chad again.  On our way home I thought about all the friends I have made on this adventure and how He has given me access to speak for the unborn and the hurting women in a way that I never could have attained on my own.  If I would conceive and carry every time I wanted with no problems, I would never be able to speak to women in this area and understand their pain.  I am privileged to have a voice in this community of women, and for that I am so grateful. 

Choosing to love God when we are suffering is not easy.  We know He has the power to change our circumstances without much effort..but its not loving God that stretches us..its trusting Him that grows us into a great love with Him in the first place.  God is never changing, and so His love is the same way..never changing, never fading...even if it means we sometimes hurt for our own sakes.  The Lord owes me nothing and I know that when I ask Him of things it can only be given by His mercy.  I don't deserve anything and neither does a single person on earth, the cross is sufficient; and if I had the great choice of receiving the cross and all that it means or receiving all the little desires of my self and heart...I would always chose the cross.  If I didn't, the Lord will chose it for me.  He knows in the center of my spirit that beyond all needs & wants, it is Him that I desire more then anything; more then myself.

I am filled with joy today that I don't understand, I am hesitate and a little guarded that maybe I will fall apart later.  I know that there will be times where my heart aches again for my little ones and that is to be expected, but I pray and long for this joy to stay cemented deep inside of me; for right now it brings me such freedom in a time where I could be so depressed, I am instead praising God!  I thank Him for doing the right thing for me all the time and loving me more then I could ever allow myself to be loved. 

My new blog title is being changed from 7 in a 8 in a row.  Although I never wanted to raise my numbers, I daydream a beautiful picture of the day I pass from this earth and am rushed upon by faces I have never seen but recognize as parts of me and my husband.  I will know in my heart which one is my oldest..and youngest, and all the sweethearts in between.  I will spend eternity with them praising God for His goodness and greatness.  I thank the Lord right now for teaching me even now about His kindness and making the tough choices for me; for being such a good Dad.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

What if?

What if God means what He says?
What if God is really the same God He was 2000 years ago?
What if Gods Word is true?
What if Jesus was raised from the dead?
What if the Holy Spirit rushes throughout us creating power & miracles?
What is Jesus really does moan and groan on our behalf to the Father?
What if we really are alive in Christ?

If this is true then how can I justify laying in self pity?

Today I am refreshed and alive.  I refuse to believe that death awaits my baby.  I command the spirit of death of leave my family in the name of Jesus!
I have searched my heart and listened intently for God the last few days.  I am been waiting for the horrible to come and wrench my heart once again while I speak meek prayers of "Jesus help me."  Who is this scared tired girl inside of me?  This is not the bold women of faith that God has called me to be.  If my friend was dying or suffering I would plead and beg on her behalf, but for myself I have curled into fetal position and waited for my demise.  Rise up dead spirit and pray to the Lord who is alive and gives you strength!! I rebuke fear and death in the name of Jesus!  There is power in the name of the Lord that forces the enemy to flee.  I rebuke the enemy and all his work in our lives!

Today I am petitioning to the Lord with a prayer of hope and joy.  I am asking for you to join me in faith and ask for the impossible.  Jesus says we can ask of Him anything we need...Anything!  I pray while believing that Jesus will restore the beating heart of our child, along with growth in his body.  That when we go for our dnc on Monday, the ultrasound prior will show a healthy miraculous baby full of life!  There is nothing God cannot do and we believe in His powerful healing.  As He raises dead to life, I command this baby to live, grow, and thrive.  Please say this prayer for us with boldness, I am learning daily that my meek prayers don't avail to much.  James 5:16 says that if we confess our sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed..The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  POWERFUL & EFFECTIVE!!

I confess my lack of faith, and my poor response.  I confess to you that I have not been the witness that God has called me to be and that I have chose to not believe Him.  I confess that its easy to love God in times of goodness but not so much in times of trial.  I also confess that I have been in self pity and allowed the enemy to rejoice over my lack of joy.  I have chose to be without comfort and without hope.

For this child, I ask for your friendship and partnership in my battle.  While I fight for myself please also let me me fight for you as well...leave your prayer requests and I will pray without ceasing.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Its been 2 days since my ultrasound.  Two days with a baby inside of me that is no longer living.  Baby didn't grow and still measured around 6 weeks and no viable heartbeat.  How can it beat so strong one week and then the next there is nothing?

I felt demise when I went into the office, like something was not quite right.  I haven't felt normal since.  My instant response was shock...I said to the Dr a few times..."UN believe able!!" Stretching out the word so that the pauses were evident.  Then I laughed out loud crazy-like to Chad and just stared him in the eye as if he may laugh with me.

While in his office talking about the "next step dnc" I felt like I was in someone else's body

In the parking lot ready to leave, I had intense rage.  I beat on myself and the car and screamed as loud as I was physically capable.  I now repent of things I said that were untrue...such as, "I never want to be pregnant again!!"  and "This is all your testimony God, all for your story!!...(said sarcastically)

We drove to town and sit at a restaurant/bar with a pizza and pitcher of beer...thinking, whats it matter now?

and then we sat there and sat there into the late afternoon...slowly a few friends gathered around.

Chad broke down and left with a great friend who brought him back a few hours later all put back together for the time being.

I sat with Logan for hours...just staring, crying, and thinking about what just happened.

We had 2 confirmed ultrasounds at 2 different places...both my Missouri doc and Ft Wayne doc wants a dnc for genetic testing.  I want to know whats going on but kinda at a loss emotionally.  If I leave the baby in til my body passes it naturally we wont be able to test it...but my heart isn't ready to "remove" it.  If I have them do the dnc, I will never "see" the baby or anything that past experience is so used to that.  I will just be sent home feeling like I have went through a unnatural violation. 

Right now I just sit and pretend its not happening.  I read stories online about women with the same thing and a week later they go in for another ultrasound and lo and behold everything is fine.  I want hope in something like that...but being hopeless almost feels better.  I don't understand that but its as though if I know that the baby is 100% gone then I can move on, but if I feel any hope at all then it just drags out a "what if" and may lead to another disappointment.  I don't know but I think I may be just a bit screwed up.

I am fearful that I am in denial...I still feel pregnant, my body is still preforming like it was; sore and swollen, changing daily.  What in the world???  I just don't get this whole thing. 

I am so angry at myself and everyone and thing with the response of this.  Instead of going home and praying on my face to the God who raises the dead for a miracle..I went to the bar (which isn't even my thing) and when people pray for us they are praying for relief...not a miracle.  Why not a miracle??  What is wrong with us?  What is wrong with me?  How did hopelessness ever feel better then hope??  Why can we trust God when things are going good but not so much when our selfish hearts don't get what we want?  When did we start loving with conditions attached? Why not pray for the impossible to the "all things are possible" God?

Jesus, please come quickly, please restore life and viability...create a miracle in my womb!!! You are our only hope! We cant seem to fathom this Lord, please give us wisdom and a faith that moves mountains.  Help us to not doubt you.  Take this day and teach us about the works you do beyond human abilities.  Help us to believe you in all things and to not be tossed around like the wind.  Give us joy in You.  We love you and love this baby..please restore all things for Your glory.  Holy Spirit rush over us and our family, save us from the enemy of the Lord and redeem us.  Father, hear our cries and pour out your pure grace and mercy on us.  We deserve nothing good but know you are so gracious and loving..we cant help but ask.  Daddy please.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Ultrasound video

Here is the link to our ultrasound video...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Say Cheese!

Today's ultrasound was the feat that just about beat me....the closer we got to the time the more my heart raced.  The peace that passes all understanding had been with me nearly all week long.  I had a few bouts of anxiousness but for the most part I was focused on other things.  The hr before the appt was another story, my hands were sweaty, my belly sick with nervousness, and I could pee every 5 minutes if I allowed myself.

We didn't wait but a few minutes before they called us in.  A young girl gave me my instructions along with my paper blankie, and left us alone to prepare.  Chad ran the camcorder again, we like to send each video to our Doc in Missouri as well, so we can have a second opinion on anything we may or may not see.

At 6 wks our ultrasound showed only a gestational sac, it was made pretty clear to us that this pregnancy had only a small chance of continuing on.  Even though the Dr sounded optimistic he matter of a factly told us that there should have been a yolk sac and fetus in the gestational sac....and because it was empty, we would just have to wait and see.  All week long I have just hoped an prayed that we would get to our appt and see that everything was ok...that this time I didnt have to be "that girl" who broke everybodies hearts with news of disappointment.

I am happy to say that we saw the gestational sac and it had grown so much since 10 days ago, and inside that sac was a tiny (3.4mm) baby with a yolk sac....and a little beating heart! The tech took a snapshot...Say Cheese!!   Babies first picture was so blurry and meek...I love every millimeter :)

We were so thrilled!!

Because my life tends to have drawbacks, we were left with a bit of pondering though.  The baby measures at 6 wk 1 day.  IVF doesn't leave much wiggle room since you know exactly when you trigger ovulation, retrieve eggs, and transfer ivf tells us we are 7wks 3 days.  This odd amount of time in between just doesn't make sense.  My Dr. in Indy says it could be that we got pregnant on our own...still don't understand that one, considering I had no eggs (they were all retrieved) and I was on pelvic rest for 5 weeks or egg/no sperm/no baby...

My Dr. in Missouri says...No big deal, Ive seen cases just like this and they catch up or just continue on with normal growth.

Either way, we are back to waiting.  We have another ultrasound scheduled in 11 days.  Indy Doc says if there is a strong heartbeat then, we will stop worrying.  Ugh.. I don't know if I will ever stop worrying, til baby is home and keeping me up all night :)  We stopped in town on our way home and bought a pair of maternity pants and some long shirts.  Sounds funny while baby is so small but reguardless I have gained 14 plus pounds since beginning of ivf and nothing fits.  After putting them on I realized that I should have been wearing them all my life.  Let me tell you, maternity pants are for everyone!!  A piece of heaven :)

Thank you for all your prayers, I have received so many emails, posts, and texts!!  You guys are amazing and are all "Jesus in the flesh" to me.  I love you!
Im trying to upload the video so you all can see...I'll have it on here soon.

***Info on a retroverted uterus (tipped) ...which is what I asked about in the video. These questions and more Info can be found at

What is a retroverted uterus?
A retroverted uterus, also known as a tipped or tilted uterus, is a uterus that tilts back toward the rectal area. In most women the uterus will tilt slightly forward toward the belly. Actually, having a retroverted uterus is quite common. Reports vary but approximately 20% to 40% of all women have a retroverted uterus. Because this is so common, doctors rarely mention if you have a tilted uterus unless you ask.

Why is it so difficult to find the baby via ultrasound?
Actually only during the early first trimester do we believe it may be a little more difficult to find the baby via transvaginal ultrasound. After talking to women and their ultrasound techs we've concluded that the positioning is more awkward when the uterus is retroverted and this makes viewing a bit trickier. There may be a possibility that when the baby lies parallel to the ultrasound beam, measurments may be off and the baby will appear smaller than he actually is. However, in the second trimester, measurements are generally more accurate in women with a tilted uterus.

**Pray in agreeance with me: 
Rise up angels of the unborn...minister to the wombs!  Rise up lovers of Christ and tend to the flocks around you!  Rise up little children, pray your sweet prayers with your simple hearts!  Rise of body of the lamb, Speak loud and firm about the love of you Lord!