Monday, March 7, 2011

There's a smiling women in my house! (10dp3dt)

The last 2 days were wicked!  I've had bouts of hard cramping, the brown spotting has remained, and my once sore bb are no longer feeling the pain of the hormones...this is a prime recipe for DOUBT!

Doubt can make you go into a frenzy, trying to manipulate make it what you want it to be.  It can make you negative and a dart thrower of malicious words.  It can also make you terribly terribly sad, dragging everyone around you into your selfish pit of destruction.  Doubt for me has done these things before, but this time it did something very different.  It made me tired!  Instead of thinking of mean things to say or how to throw my body language around like I was in misery, I just laid my head down and didn't move for hours...for days.  I have become one with the couch so much that I don't even have recollection of breathing or blinking my own eyes.  I just lay like I don't exist til time passes by and hands me something new. 

Today when I woke and contemplated on how pathetic I was being, I decided to think about some things that have happened in the past...

I thought back to a few weeks before I went to Missouri and how I was at a women's retreat listening to a speaker from Chicago talk about living in the Spirit of God daily.  It was just a average Saturday morning and wanted to get out of the house a bit.  Later in the day the speaker walks by me and gently puts her hand on my left shoulder, she apologizes for interrupting the conversation that was going on at our group table and said very confidently.."The Lord is telling me to tell you that there is a baby on its way and that I need to pray over your womb right now!"  Can you imagine the shock that I was in...who was this women?  who was this God who speaks to me at just the right time?  I was overjoyed and in dismay, I leaned back in my chair and let her place her trembling hands on my abdomen and pray...That was just what I needed before I embarked on my journey...It gave me such strong hope!

I thought of the time I was visiting a friends church on Sunday morning and they called out to the people stating that there was a women God was beckoning forward, to be healed from not being able to have a baby.  I looked around and no one was going forward, my dh nudged me to go but I was hesitant.  The man said it again and said, why not come...what do you have to lose??  I went forward and was prayed for in such a way I never experienced heart told me "yes, my time was close."  Is this weird??  For someone like me, it seems to be normal.

A friend called me one morning last year and said the Lord woke her up at 3 am to pray for me.  I slept well in my bed as my friend Logan lay on her face in her living room weeping for me and my desire to have more children.  The Lord gave her a verse...and she passed it to me.  As I pressed into the verse I was shown a vision ( now I'm sure you think I'm really strange) It was of a mass of women and the Lord said loudly..."barren" I was in the middle with women as far as the eye could see on both sides of me, all facing forward.  Then as if in unison, we all turned to the right and the Lord said, "with child" and everyone of the women were baring fruitful bellies as they turned.  I knew then that the Lord was doing a mighty work in the women that have cried out to Him on behalf of their offspring! 

There was a man who came to me and said that they Lord showed him a large baby in my belly...and it was a son.

I was at a retreat and spoke to a man who gave me the words..."go home and prepare for a child"

I spoke to a lady on the phone who told me a few months ago, " whatever you are asking the Lord for, he will give you in abundance...he is giving you more then one..o my, you are going to be the mother of many!"  I never even told her anything but my name, we spoke of nothing personal.  She said she just felt it so strongly to tell me!

These situations have been going on for years...I have a whole notebook full of promises that I feel that the Lord has given me and my family, mostly through complete strangers.  We have so many many times He has spoken to us and revealed this thing He is using us for.  After thinking upon these things this morning, I realized that I have no worries! God has this!  He hears us when we cry out...and then He responds because that's who He is. 

A few days ago I passed by my mirror and was horrified at what I saw...I was so pale white, flushed, and tired.  I looked like someone I didn't even know.  I even said aloud, "what in the world!" Today, I walked by and saw an women smiling in my house!!  I think I wanna hang out with her today and see what kind of things we can positively accomplish here at home.  Only 4 more days til beta test time, then we will know our results for sure.  Yesterday it seemed like a year away, today...its just a matter of time.  Time that I can spend smiling and waiting for a grand surprise!!

Today Symptoms:
brown spotting
cramping (very intense on 9dp transfer...slight today)