Saturday, March 19, 2011

Steady does it...

Things are moving right the pace of a snail it seems.  I am desperately waiting for the 8 week mark to pass.  I have avoided people, friends, and church as a form of protection against questions and my fake comments of security; when really I am still very scared.  I'm just not ready to rejoice or celebrate.  Tuesday's ultrasound cant come fast enough..I have ran over in my mind all the things that could go wrong, there could be no heartbeat, it could be a blighted ovum with no baby, maybe its ectopic, or with my luck maybe it implanted somewhere never heard of before, like my kidney.  Regardless of my senseless day dreaming, I try hard to imagine seeing the baby doing its thing in the right place at the right time.

Other then my sore chest, being wore out, and increased appetite, I feel the same.  My belly is extremely bloated from what...I don't know.  Considering the baby is the size of a sesame seed I'm not sure why I look 5 months pregnant.  That is another reason I have hid out, not sure I can hide it and don't want people to stare.  I think its a combination of the heparin shots that have my belly very bruised and swollen along with me eating like a cow and laying around alot.  For whatever reason..its there and its out there.

Today we are going to venture out to Lot 49 and help with a clean up day...I'll probably hang out with some girlfriends around the hot dog table and make sure everyone gets fed...especially me, sounds horrible doesn't it?  Anyway, it'll be good to try to feel like one of the crowd today, maybe I'll be a blessing to someone or be blessed...either way, I pray today is good.