Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I'm Alive..and off the couch :)

   Out of all the ivf research I had done I never expected how mentally and physically straining it would be on my body.  I have had nearly the roughest last 3 weeks of my life.  Although Logan & I expected to go to Missouri and have giggly girl time while preparing for transfer..we were both slapped silly when it was days on end laying in separate beds like two 75 yr old women who had been punched in the stomach.  There were a few days in totality where we were able to move about and do things, but were quickly reminded that we were on hormone overload and had needles calling our names.  Most days I felt better then Lo did, meaning I wasn't excessively vomiting or screaming when I peed..but the nausea became like an appendage to me and the cramping was intense.  I know everyones body is different but I'm not sure there is one book out there telling the true thriller story of taking a person terrified of needles and giving them a injection protocol.  Every morning and night you talk yourself into jamming a needle in your gut just to inject medicine that feels like flaming fire into your already swollen sore belly....o the memories!!

   Chad and Dave came to be with us on Sunday night...it was a sort of adjustment to say the least.  "Mo and Gertrude" the 75 yr old imitations of ourselves, had laid in our disgusting room with no energy to even gather trash for a whole week.  It smelled like a bad day at the gym and looked like a hillbilly's rendition of a college dorm room.  We totally stunk up the place!  Whenever we would leave our room for any reason and then come back we would comment on how bad it smelled before we even opened the door.  Its not as though we live this way typically but when you cant even wash your own hair cause it hurts to raise your arms above your abdomen, then doing dishes and picking up just isn't on the agenda.

   I was so glad that Chad was there with me, he brought 2 things however that I wasn't so sure about.  Some of you may know that we hobby breed Great Danes and Neapolitan Mastiffs.  Back home we had a little Neo girl who was about 3 weeks old and was not being taken care of by her mommy.  When I had left she was under care and being tube fed every 4 hrs for she hadn't started eating on her own yet.  We hoped that she would learn that task by the time Chad would leave but unfortunately she didn't...so she became my roommate and priority.  The other thing Chad brought with him was a cold that soon turned into the flu..or food poisoning we are still unsure.  Whatever it was, it caused on onset of symptoms that lay Chad in the bed for nearly the whole time we were together in Missouri.  He looked so forward to getting a break and taking a little vacation from home but soon the ivf adventure slapped him silly also.

   Our egg retrieval was on Tuesday the 22nd.  As I was being prepped for surgery Logan was laying in the next bed, she was so excited to have a high number of eggs retrieved with such a hope for pregnancy!  I was ready and almost jumped on the table with my dangling ovaries to have my eggs removed.  I couldn't have been more excited to have something surgically removed from my body.  I was so sure that once my eggs were out, my ovaries would settle down and so would my discomfort level.  I awoke to the news that 31 eggs were successfully taken.  The number seemed so high to me considering I'm 35 and have probably wasted tons of eggs on the past 12 yrs of taking clomid and gonatrophins.  We were pleased.

   The next 2 days are kinda blurry..don't know if not much happened or if it was because I was taking tons of percuset for pain!  I believe I must of been high!!  I walked around in a daze.. I started taking the dreaded progesterone in oil shot in my rump the day of retrieval and it was a breeze.  I thought, what in the world...i didn't feel a thing!!  We went to Cabellas and walked around and walked around and around...I don't remember a whole lot. We ate, moved around, smiled, and everything was peachy.  On Thursday I figured I better not take the pain killer anymore so that it would exit my system when transfer happened on Friday. That is when I realized that progesterone shots hurt like a Mother May I, and Cabellas isn't near as dreamy as I had dreamed, and that all my smiles had faded quickly.  My lips were in a formation of "what in the wow!" all day....Ouch!!  This is where my screaming when I peed kicked in and farting was a process that you needed to talk yourself into!

   The transfer on Friday came fast.  I wanted to be happy and giddy..so excited for the possibilities but actually this is when dread slipped into my mind.  I found myself scared.  In the prep room Aaron, the embryologist, came in to let us know that out of my 31 eggs only 20 were fertilized.  He had picked 2 grade b+ embryos (picture above) to transfer to my uterus and only 11 remained growing in the lab.  We were unsure if any of the 11 would make it to freezing stage.  We instantly lost a bit of hope for the future and began to be discouraged.  I felt at that moment that I didn't think I could physically go through another round of ivf if this one didn't work.  The transfer went ideal...beautiful.  Doc explained that they load them into the catheter with an air bubble between the first and second embryo and then one after the 2nd embryo, holding them into the womb without escape.  This would increase the chances of them implanting in a few days.  They guided the catheter by ultrasound and watching them being deposited was almost surreal.  It was as though you were instantly put into parental mode...scared to move, scared to lose them. 

   We traveled back home later that night, since then my mind has been on guard for every thought that enters it.  Friday and Saturday I was a wreck.  I wanted to be mad, disappointed, and nasty..just wanted to protect myself from being hurt.  I was easily taking it out on the people I loved..being very negative.  Then almost like a switch, when Aaron called on Monday and said we were able to freeze 3 of our remaining embryos, I grasped that truth that God did not bring me here to ditch me!!  I was instantly reminded of all the things He has promised me.  Things He has told others to speak to me, things He has told me himself, things that are undeniable!  I chose to believe Him and am holding to the account He has given me.  I beg Him as He always gives me permission to do, and I actually just love that its in His power only.  Soon enough we will find out our results and when we do I will praise Him regardless...because He is always good!!

Prayer requests:
*For all our faith n fertility girls this month to know Gods direction for their infertility journey
*For Feb patients that did ivf with us...positive strong results!!
*For implantation of both our embryos...the Lord says life is in the blood and so we pray and plead for Him to allow them to receive my blood and attach themselves them to.
*For us to Believe and to not leave room for doubt!