Monday, March 21, 2011

A Day Away...5w6d

The last few days have been tough mentally.  I'm struggling with wanting to resume daily life and having a hard time throwing myself into normalsy.  Yesterday I went to church...for the first time since we started treatment in early Feb.  I love my church and the people, the worship always brings me into the the presence of God and the teachings are challenging, many times I have announced I am pregnant, just to go back in a few days or weeks and tell everyone that our baby has passed.  Its like the boy who cried wolf.. after awhile they stop reacting.  Out of fear for you they don't respond the same anymore.  For instance I told someone I was pregnant and a look of dread came over "o, no..that's horrible."  Its as though I'm doomed for disaster.  I understand the hesitation for excitement, I definitely am hesitate.  I cant seem to allow myself to consume the idea at all.  Privately I pray and hold my belly but always with reservation. 

I know I serve a God who gives and takes away, and I'm ok with that.   l love the Lord and I trust Him, I'm not angry at Him for the things I have suffered for I know I have eternity to spend with my children and also that God has my best interest at the forefront always.  I am just reserved to give myself fully to this pregnancy maybe out of fear...I have been talking to God about this and we are definitely working through truth such as...Fear does not come from God, Suffering is vital as a christian, dying to myself and wanting Gods will over mine is crucial, This life is not my own, we have an enemy and he is entertained by my fear, and with God all things are possible.   Lots of good teaching are being reexamined in my mind...Gods work is always good.

Tomorrow is my ultrasound, it cant come fast enough.  I had a dream about it last night...lets hope that it comes true.  I thought of taking the kids but know that maybe we should wait.  I think I probably will look away and concentrate on Chads reaction.  If its good, I'll look...if its bad, I'll peek with one eye til the Lord helps me face it head on.  Yesterday before church I took another urine test..not sure why, just wanted to see the lines again and see if they were darker.  They were so dark as if it was marked with a red marker..little things like that help me to relax.  I hope and pray that tomorrow is blessed with great news.  Cant wait to share!!