Tuesday, March 8, 2011

11dp3dt Bed Rest....

Last night after watching Letter to God with my dh and bawling my eyes out for a total of 90 minutes straight, I had a moment with God myself.

I took myself to the bathroom for the last trip of the evening when I saw a saturated tissue full of bright red blood.  My breathing advanced quickly and within a few seconds I was hyperventilating in the living room unaware I carried the tissue in with me.  My heart screamed out in aches and grief that went back years and years...from every pregnancy test to every lost heartbeat.  The moans that came out of my mouth were unrecognizable as human...oh, how my souls cries for my unborn.  The enemy has me furious and the possibility of being barren has me in shambles.  My mourning comes from the deepest part of a breath, the last tail end of any weeping, an attachment that comes beyond the pain as if its bound tight around my every fiber.  Ohhhh Jesus...Lord....Rescue me!!

The movie that I had just watched was fresh in my mind, reminding me that we are chosen by God to experience things.  Mostly for the sake of others, we are hand-picked to go through things in life, in hopes that our reaction to trial, will cause others to seek God for the same peace and strength that you carry.  Its as though the Lord says, "you can do this girl, and you can show others how tenderly I can comfort."  Doesn't the Lord just take your breath away...how different my pain and life would be without Him.  I lay awake all night thinking of Him, and speaking to Him...I really believed that our babies were gone and I was done.  I turned all my cries out to Him for the women who are struggling right now.  I begged the Lord for Logan, and Andrea, Mary, Becky, Jessica, and Amanda...I pleaded for my sweet friend Lora and pictured Him taking my requests to His left and telling the Father.  I asked for a movement of barren women to be with child and petitioned it with confidence.  I prayed for the Faith N Fertility community...all the secret prayer requests and people struggling...all His daughters!!  How I love that He listens and hears our prayers!

This morning I was informed by Doc that I am to stop heparin injections in hopes bleeding will stop, I'm on total bed rest which isn't far from what I was doing anyway.  I don't mind leaving my heparin in the baggy, wont miss that "chick stick".  I am now spotting brown blood again and am hoping and praying that the
God who hears will bless my womb abundantly.

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