Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Call to STOP!

It was a huge surprise to realize how sick Liam really was.  Since he was born he had sounded congested but we were told many times that it was related to him being a C-Section baby and because he never experience the big squeeze during vaginal labor, he was full of mucus.  On average it would be gone in a week, but as time went on it only got worse. At 3 1/5 weeks we would be staying over a week in the ICU at Lutheran Hospital.

His diagnosis seem so bizarre and rare enough, even though the ICU may see cases like this often doesn't leave us much reassurance the outside world does.  Sick babies come to this unit, certainly they are used to seeing such things but to us it was just unbelievable.  Our baby boy was finally here and home with us and now he was covered in tubes and wires.  I knew then that what God had been telling me for years would now come into effect weather I listened or not.

My whole life I have wanted to be a mom, and a good one.  I wanted to teach my kids over the top about things that really matter, tell them the truth, and prepare them to be great at heart and in love with God.  I had lots of ideas and daydreams about how I would raise them and be involved in their lives.  I wanted to be a great mom and take my responsibility of raising my kids very seriously.  It was to be the calling on my life.

You tend to loose sight of the simple things, the foundational things God calls us to do sometimes.  We get wrapped up into every opportunity to serve somewhere else, probably more for self fulfillment then serventhood.  In the background sits my husband and children waiting to be cared for, kids in front of the TV...eating junk food and being taught by someone else.  My commitments to everyone else, the world, has stolen so much from me.  Unfortunately enough, it has stolen from those that I love the most as well.

My call to stop was not suttle, I have been told that for years.  Its been loud and firm...I just chose to not listen.  I figured if I was doing good work then why not be involved.  With Liam and what is revolving him at this time, God has commanded me to stop.  I have no choice.  With monitors and machines laying on every flat surface in our home and a continuous feeding pump that keeps me tight reigned close to Liam's side, I am forced to sit.  I sit and think and watch and react....I stare at him and respond to every cry and alarm.  I am his keeper.  As I have been put back in my position here I have watched the results that I have created from choosing other things over my family previously.

My family has missed me, my family has needed me.  Was it being a servant or being selfish that really kept me from my true responsibility?  I think it was a bit of both, I wanted to help but also wanted to be somebody...when truly the somebody I was created to be was right here at home all along.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Meeting you...

I first heard of you back in late February early April...the news that you existed didn't really seem to pertain to me.  I just knew that you were to be.  I never suspected us to be connected, to be family.

A few weeks after I knew you were created I was texting "Elle" back and forth on the phone and she told me of your new life..that you were here and growing inside her.  She was contemplating the idea that you may not have been created for her.  At the same time as we were texting back and forth we both replied to each other the remark that maybe, just maybe you were meant to be for me...  our texts came back to each other simultaneously. I received hers as she received mine...time stood still.  The possibility of us being brought together lingered in my mind.  Our responses seemed an act of divine timing..our thoughts were in line with each other, now we just needed to see what God had planned.

It was a joyous time in my life, but with reserve.  I was pregnant again, and the thought of you being my baby also seemed like an outstanding plan...a bountiful blessing!  Most women would be overwhelmed at the thought of two babies but I was enriched by the mere imagination of it. After losing 8 children to early pregnancy loss, I was ready to have my cup filling over.

Ilana would pray for her baby sibling in my belly...asking God to bless him/her.  She called the baby her "brown" match her :)  We never told her that the baby was not going to be brown, we just didn't know quite how yet.  Our due date was 11-12-11, as we were so close to November 11th we claimed that day as our due date instead.  We were expecting our baby girl on 11-11-11 and Elle was planned to deliver soon around that time also. How neat it would be to have such a miraculous story after so much heartache and have two sweet babies to love.

When our baby girl passed a few weeks later it was hard to think of you.  I was afraid that if I spent time dwelling on the idea of you; my heart would be broken in the end.  There was no guarantee that you could be mine.  I put up a wall and tried to protect myself from falling in love with you.  Months went by and you grew rapidly, Elle and I talked almost daily..every time we spoke she was more sure that you were created for a fulfillment of my prayers.

One day I received word from Elle that she was 100% sure..she knew God was saying "Yes" to me being your mommy!  My guard started to fade, I found myself day dreaming about you..loving you in my thoughts and prayers.  Elle told us early that you were going to be a "brown" baby.. The answer to Ilana's prayer as well...unbelievable.

Our 1st ultrasound showed us that you were a sweet baby boy and thriving well.  We started to prepare for you and try to not focus on our past loss.  Our future now contained you and how our lives would soon be intertwined.  We awaiting you every day and asked God many times to tell us something special about you.  Trying to name you was such hard work, as I looked everywhere for a name nothing seemed right.  I continued to ask God "what is this baby boys name, what will he be like?" More then anything I wanted the Lord to define you. 

One day I heard very specifically while praying that you will be a "strong willed defender of a group of Gods people."  Wow!  Did I hear right?  Time passed by and I kept asking the Lord, "Are you sure? Did I hear correctly?"  As I came across the name Liam, something sounded familiar to me.  I kept the name close to me and thought of it time to time.  On 2 separate occasions I had people ask me what I was going to name you.  I told them I didn't know, and they replied by saying, "what about the name Liam?"  Could this be the name God had planned for you?  I looked it up to see what it meant.  I was in shock when I saw the meaning, "strong willed defender!"  Later I came across the name also sounded original and unique.  The meaning was "a group of people."  I continued to pray about this identity for you.

Elle grew closer to her due date, as time moved along so did I.  Although you were to be born soon, I still ached over your sister who didn't make it into this life.  I knew that 11-11 was going to be a bittersweet time.  Each day inched along but faithfully kept going and so time moved forward in its usual quick-slow pattern.

On the 10th Elle called, I was embarrassingly sitting in my car..engine running for nearly 1/2 hr. I felt anxious about your arrival. I thought you would have been here by now. I was stilling there with no place to go in quiet silence.  She wanted company so I left my spot in the driveway and quickly headed to her house.  We passed the time with good conversation and hanging out.  Unlikely enough my husband ended up in the area also and stopped in to see us before heading home.  Little did we know the gathering together of us all was divine. Within the next hour we were heading to the hospital.

Labor was 4 min apart with hardly no dilation.  Elle was terrified of something going wrong, her intense fear of needles was at the forefront.  An ultrasound showed you to be a very big baby and by estimation they thought you were weighing 12 lbs 15 oz!  A C-section was the solution. With Elle's comfort level fading, she humbly asked for us to pray.  She asked the Lord to protect her while confessing her deep love for Him.  As she reconnected her life to her protector, the staff was preparing for your delivery.

The scrubs allowed me to enter the surgery area and as i sat close to Elle's face, we talked words of truth and bravery.  In the midst on conversation I heard a drowned out cry..a voice that has echoed in my prayers for years.  I heard your voice for the first time.  My heart shifted as I wanted to run to you.  My position as a comforter was standing though, I stayed close to Elle as she fought off fear.  I had a quick moment to peek at you, to cut your cord, and see your sweet face.

As I walked over to you my heart traveled faster then my feet.  My spirit leaped to you, my child.  My sweet were a sight beyond no other.  God took my imagination of you and created a reality that I could of never made up on my own.  You were far beyond any expectation, you were hand made and delivered for me.

Daddy waited back in the nursery for you and as they wheeled you by I heard the Dr say, "time of birth is 12:49 on 11-11-11"..God gave His gift to me while kissing me on both cheeks!  He reclaimed, revived, and restored me all in one session..I have no words as I still sit in awe of Him as the mighty gift giver!

I came to see you and Daddy after Elle was situated in her room recovering.  She had endured and found a strength in her she never had to use before, The Lord granted her what she requested and protected her thoroughly.  After seeing Daddy was at loss for words.  He spoke very little and seemed to be in shock..its the realization that we are so undeserving of such an act of love.  We were just so thankful to be awarded such mercy and grace from God.

"Liam Crewe" was decided on as your name the next day, Daddy couldn't deny how it had been laid on his heart and the meaning was perfect for you!  You were born at 10 lbs 10 oz,  23 inches long, on a reclaimed day. The event of your birth turned a memory of death into life for us.  You are a success story for millions of women who long to have a child, a testament to how one simple day can change your life forever.  You have created hope where there was none, by giving joy to a women who has lost 8 children, and by being a son to a weeping begging family.  You are a voice that speaks how God hears every prayer and how He can always design a better ending then we could ever think up on our own.  You, Liam, are a miracle!

We hope to celebrate with the world your birth and we pray that struggling families can see you as a reason to move forward in their own journeys....fighting hard for the things God has promised them.

Praise God for you!  Praise God for you!


Friday, November 4, 2011

Ilana's prayer

One major part of our newest blessing has yet to be shared on here.  As I cant contain my favorite part of this story in any I will fill ya in :)

Back in Feb. of this year I was pregnant via IVF and very excited at the possibility that this pregnancy was going to be different, this baby was going to live.  We prayed every day throughout the day for life and health, and  for everything to be just right.  Every night sweet Ilana would put her hand on mommy's tummy and pray, "Dear Lord, Please bless my brown brother or sister."  Chad and I would just look at each other with blank stares wondering how we were going to explain to her that this baby was not going to be brown like her.

In early April our baby died and telling Ilana was enough to make me madder then ever.  To feel hurt myself is one thing, but to imply it upon your child is so much harder.  Telling her was the saddest little moment, how she looked at us like we were lying and asking us over and over if it was true.  For days she would continue to pray over my belly the same prayer she had said before..."Dear Lord, Please bless my brown brother or sister!"  We would just look at each other again with sadness and heartbreak for her.  How would we get her to understand that it was just not possible?

Soon after when we were approached with the adoption of our soon to be baby, we began praying again.  Asking for health and safety.  "Elle", our birth mother, explained to me one day on the phone, after telling her Ilanas prayer, that she felt this whole thing was from God for a number of reasons. One very obvious one was that her baby was going to be BROWN.  We were ecstatic to say the least!  God answered the prayer of a little girl who wanted so badly for her sibling to be brown like her.  We were so pleased to be reminded that God loves us and cares about every detail. He loves for his daughters to ask Him of things and He really likes to show His mercy to us when we believe there is no possible way. 

We have 6 days till Ilana's brown brother arrives...
What a long road it has been and for him it was all worth it!

Love and prayers to you...Asking God on your behalf every single day!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Small Moment...Big lesson

A few days ago I was frazzled at the seams and frigid to say the least.  Keeping up with work and my list of things at home were taking up every thought in my brain, besides that I forced in our first grade I'm hoping I'm not the only homeschooling mom that has rushed days. I was tense and aggravated at every episode that came my way.  The farm was being "too needy" with new puppies and chores, the phone was beckoning me at every moment, and the stressful wait of our adopted sons arrival was hanging in the air.  His anticipated arrival has by far had me responding radically to every situation.  Every appointment/plan hinges on his grand entrance.  I am sitting on the edge of my seat in waiting mode.

All while my home circus was in full bloom & my mental state was racing rapidly, Ilana danced and swirled around the house as if it was her play yard...she sang, and twirled, laughed, and played.  She turned on music and swooped around the house on her roller skates in and out of each room with a huge smile on her face.  I was too busy to notice at first.  She put 100% in trying to turn in a fast circle while skating around and weaving in and out of her favorite puppy as he tried tirelessly to keep up with her.  She ran up the stairs and slid back down them, raced back up again and played hard.  She had a animated play with her dollies and stopped for a breather to watch Strawberry Shortcake...then she was off again.  I hushed her during phone calls and silenced her when she asked questions as I was on the computer or in the middle of something that seemed important.

During lunch time I placed her at the table with her microwaved meal and huge glass of her favorite, strawberry milk.  She was big eyed and full of joy as I laid it upon the table.  Just as I was turning away to grab something else, my hand caught the edge of her glass and in slow motion we watched as the cup tipped towards her.  It crashed without remorse and with a huge intake of air Ilana and I both gasped aloud.  I stopped and just looked at her, sitting so pretty in her favorite red dress and matching shoes.  She looked like a princess with a shocked expression on her dear face.  I didn't know what to say, I expected her to be angry and before I could tell her I was sorry she let out to my surprise the biggest laugh.  She belly laughed with all her might..its crazy how addictive a laugh can be.  In the midst of milk and pink strawberry flavoring we hugged and laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes.

We cleaned it up together and I shut down the world for the rest of the day to hang out with her.

That night as I tucked her into bed Ilana says, "remember when you were mad today when things were going bad but when my milk spilled we laughed?"  In adult terms I took that as..."remember when you were grouchy when you didn't get your way but when I didn't get mine I still found something to be happy about"  It was a big reminder for me...She is a big reminder to me!  Things dont have to be tense, I dont have to let my day make me miserable, and rushing around gets me no where fast!

Hoping that I can remember this little lesson as the days get closer to baby time, and work gets more involved with Faith N Fertility.  Praying for peace...and wisdom.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Any day now...

The countdown is officially at 23 days in waiting.  Baby boy still has no name but his room is ready.  Diapers are on the shelf, clothes in the drawers, and momma bear is waiting patiently with baby powder in the rocking chair.  Im beside myself that its soo close to coming into a reality. 

Switching our old nursery into the new nursery was time consuming and a bit hard.  I didnt do anything dramatic or spend lots of money.  In fact its super plain and simple.  It was the difficult task of taking out my old things...doctors reports, gifts given to us from our previous miscarriage, hospital bags reminding us of our overnight stays. Getting rid of the reminders that cause me to fear and worry...reminding me with a time that was so painful.  I left a few ultrasound pics on baby boys dresser of his past siblings...still very proud of my heaven babies :)

Its just the right balance now and feels like its his room.  I fiddle in there every day wondering what he going to look like and sound like...

Any day now the phone will ring and she will be in labor.  Any day now he will open his eyes for the first time and I will adore him.  My life will come to a halt when he arrives, just for some moments of reflection.  Im sure he will bring joy with him and also a rememberance of what we have lost.  Im sure he will have my heart...he already does. 

A new chapter is starting...oooh how Ive waited for this.  Thank you Lord for this time of relief and provision.  Ilana is waiting on the edge of her seat, with sparkling eyes she talks of her new life with her little brother :)  Last week she dressed up for the local trunk or a monarch butterfly.  She fluttered around, dancing the whole day long.  She put on her costume at daybreak and wore it to bed that night...she was a true princess in every aspet.  I soppose life will feel like that for a time...full of excitement and joy, a great dance of sweetness that starts in the morning and puts you to sleep at night.

Any day now...

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Everybodies got their babies!

This last two weeks have been a range of emotions including rejoicing with friends and a deep analysis of what time of year it is.

3 very good friends had their babies these last few weeks..leaving me with a awe of God for the miracles He allows and also a reverence that I still need Him very much. 

Friend #1 has had several miscarriages including a precious pregnancy loss of twin babies.  Our emotional connection has always been strong due to heartache and hope that God overrides all that is hard in this life.  She felt very strongly that she would never carry her own children and so her family sought out adoption avenues.  Through prayer and grace, she now has 3 beautiful children that are born from her heart!  Unlike God, (being sarcastic) He blessed her recently with a "shock" pregnancy that bore her a sweet daughter Kendall this month.

Friend #2 Although she hasn't struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss she has a sweet spirit about connecting with me on the issue.  She is careful and it much attention to talk and listen about the things I have gone through.  9 days ago she delivered Mihani...a precious baby girl and little sister to lovely Kareese.  Their family is full of the most beautiful girls!

Friend #3 is coming home from the hospital today.  Our visit in the hospital revealed such love for her new bundle.  Gracie came due to the obedience of my friend to allow God to gift them.  She is tiny and fragile, new and exciting!  She is sooo pretty and my friends eyes sparkle as she gazes on the grace of God that is sleeping snug to her chest.

How can I not rejoice??  Most incredible events and soo close to home :)

3 new girls...3 new lives...

I would be lying if I said I didn't think of my daughter as well especially since she would have been due in a few weeks as well. People would visit us marveling what God had done for us, commenting on her beauty.  I wonder if she would've looked like me, or her father..maybe a perfect combination of the both of us.  I just wonder...  Its not painful today just a thought or daydream of what things could have looked like.

In the meantime I cant focus there too long.  Our new son will be born in just a few short weeks.  O how I cant wait to study every little wrinkle and movement he makes.  He has me more anxious about his arrival everyday.  I wait for him with such intensity that must compare to our babies waiting for our arrivals to heaven someday.

Someday!  That's the focus today!  Some Day! we will all be together again!  I read the book Heaven is for Real recently.  It touched my heart for I know that a great reunion is coming closer every day!

Here is our current ultrasound, "Elle" is so close to having him.  He is weighing approx 5.5 lbs and growing :) him, love him, love him!

Prayer requests:
*Adoption paperwork will be smooth and quick
*Logan to be surprised by God :)
*Healing for Mihani..she has been running a fever
*Faith N Fertility and the families they are helping
*For know, believe, trust, and love God more today then you did yesterday!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

10 Weeks to go

Spent some time with Elle yesterday; Its was good to see her and chat for awhile.  Her reassurance that this baby is ours is priceless.  She may never know what she is doing for divine it is and what it took to get us here. 

I am grateful today for my infertility and should I dare to say...our miscarriages.

It takes a mouthful of deep breaths to say that aloud; a core response; a hard thought.  Its not easy to say.  I do mean it though. 

I look at FNF and the women who surround me; the women that I surround; and see it all working together for the good of ....the good of God :)

He is good, that's what I am remembering today.  If only I could keep this truth engulfing me so that I wouldn't forget and start looking inward again.  Its so effortless to slip back into falseness.  This time I'll try to keep truth around a bit longer...and remember it a bit faster when I'm feeling down.

10 weeks left to go...give or take.  10 weeks and we will see his face...the face of promises and dreams that have been moving stories in my heart for years upon years.  I await you little one.

Friday, August 19, 2011

My publication by Ilana

After learning that Mommy was doing a "publication" in the Swiss City Monthly; Ilana insisted that she type up her own publication today to tell everyone about herself.  Before I knew it she had Microsoft Word opened and was writing away.  I left some of her typos that the computer didnt catch and just thought I would share with you the heart of my little girl.

I   like    my      friends.      I      am     a       kid.          My         name     is   Ilana. I love god he is  in my heart and he is the  best.  And    I   like my birthday.  My birthday is in December 9th.  I love my grandma. When I was a baby I was excited to see my new mom and I was laughing. I like flowers and butterflies.  I am a kid that likes butterflies and flowers. And I like my neighbors. I see them in my mind when im sleeping. I use to play with my baby stuff and I love my brother when he comes. I play with farm stuff. I love tanner and daddy. When I grow up I want to be a ballerina andi love my whole entire family. And I am so so so pretty and my friend Katherine we don’t meet each other a lot but we still talk about her. I know that I next week I am going to see myah and I have a myah in my name too. I like my bedroom and I like to sleep on the floor. I really like our little puppy that’s black and white on his chest. And  mom   sings  at  nite  and  in morning I like to sing.             


Thursday, August 18, 2011

Exciting News!

It is definitely time for a major update.  My break from blogging has consumed me as the summer keeps flying by.  Here is a summary of all that has taken place in the last 6 weeks.

FNF Fans...we are on a incredible incline of blessings!  Starting September 1st we will launch the rough draft of our new web site ( We are super pumped!  Not only will it be a great source of information and resources for families, but also a place to call home for couples struggling with infertility & pregnancy loss.  We will have a FNF blog, merchandise for purchase, and awareness for some really great charities!

We are in the process of getting our Nonprofit status and working on our first annual event in Ft Wayne.  On April 14th of next year we will be working side by side with Star 88.3 on a incredible event for families in the surrounding areas! How great is that!!  We are so thrilled they have decided to be our "hosting station" for the event and alongside other sponsors we will be able to bring resources and possibly a concert with Laura Story (fingers crossed and praying hard) to our community!

Sept 1st the Swiss City Monthly, a publication that comes out in Adams co. every month, is featuring Logan & I along with FNF as their cover story :)  We were contacted last month and did personal interviews with their staff about our journeys and vision.  Its been an blessed few months for sure!

With all of this going on it has taken away the slow pace of life as we await our new baby due Nov. 12th.  As the weeks keep slipping by, we get more and more excited to see his little face :)  "Elle" is doing fantastic!  She had some preterm labor a few weeks ago that gave us a scare but since then things have slowed down and went back to normal.  She is ready to be "baby free" as the summer is hot and she is uncomfortable.  Only 11 short weeks remain and then he will be all snuggled up at home.  Elle and I spent our birthdays together last week since they are so close together.  We got manicures/pedicures and went out for dinner...Chads treat :)  It was nice to spend time and just chat about life.  Its amazing what God has done in this whole thing for both of us!

I'm starting to get into "baby mode" cleaning the house, simplifying life, clearing out unwanted things and such.  We started gathering items for baby and its getting fun now.  The scary part seems to have left; there is not much fear that Elle will change her mind or something will happen from now to then.  It just seems right and feels good.  Chad was laying on the couch last night with his eyes closed...I thought he was asleep til I heard him say.."I cant wait til my baby boy is here."  "I know," I said.  Sigh*  I cant believe its almost time.

On the other side of opening our lives to a new baby, our oldest son Tanner has moved out on his own.  Another deep breath.  That's so hard on a momma's heart.  Everyday I miss him.

Well, that's my quick run-down of life here for us.  Please be prayerful for our family, Chad is currently fighting meningitis and mono, Tanner started his senior yr of school today, and Ilana is very patiently waiting for her baby brother.  I continue to work on FNF and hope that God will use all of us for something great!

**If you are not currently a part of Faith N Fertility please look us on on facebook.  We would love to have your friendship!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Elle's 20 week ultrasound...ITS A WHAT????

Elle's 20 week ultrasound ended with a grand surprise...

As our nursery is lined with pink decor, pottery barn blankies, and super cute girly dresses it would just seem natural that our first ultrasound would announce the November arrival of a baby girl!  But....if you have know us in any time at all you would agree that "normal" doesn't define us :)  We are proud to share with you our video of a healthy & vibrant baby boy!!  As we kept calling him a "her" the ultrasound tech kindly whispers..."You might wanna start calling "her" a him :) " 

Here is our first views of this little man that I am convinced will be a inspiration & joy to everyone he meets!

Our voyage to babies has been defined slowly.  Each day God has showed me his deliverance from having trust in myself is key to a life of being free.  Once I can stop trying to engage myself to make my life what I want it; and start letting go to let God make it what He designed life becomes purposeful.  I keep giving things over to Him and simply saying.."If it was mine to worry about...I'd mess it up anyway; so take this thing/person/event and create something beautiful." We continue to pray about our future and our future children.  We are trusting God that His plan is much better then ours :)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My Yahweh

My Yahweh,

Lord, I begin with a pause of how magnificent you are.

My doubting heart is unworthy of the good work you continue to do through my wretched body.  I praise you for your mercy and great grace that abides in me even while I walk idly without my eyes on you.  You take me from glory to glory as You keep revealing Yourself to me in ways that are defined in myself as miraculous.  You are holy and good, I trust you and love you so very much.  Nothing can separate your love for me.  My willingness to give my whole life to You is in process.  Your generosity is always abundant and your timing is divinely perfect.  There is no one like You.

The complexity of my life does not overwhelm You or make You anxious.  Your righteous anger burns against those that pain me and the sin of this world will be crushed by your great love for me.  Thank you Lord that I have you.  Without you I am destined for death, my spirit would have no freedom or expression of life.  I would drown while dying of thirst, full of the world but starving to death.  I am thankful that loneliness will never envelope me and the needs of my life will always be met.  For You own all things and I am precious because you say so.  You give me quality and value, because of the revelation of You, I belong to the One who never dies, always wins, and owns it all!

The sin of others against me has brought me to the shaving of my head and tearing of my clothes.  My mind has introduced lies and destruction; holding out the bait in hopes that I will feast on it for awhile.  The enemy peers around my shoulders looking me square in the eye in anticipation that I will accept his torment and be rebellious.  The fingers of sin reach out to me and twirl my hair and stroke my face as to make me feel pitiful.  The thoughts that linger in my mind are vivid & horrific; they entice me to view vile things that make sin look like a luxury.  I have been on the brink of death, robbed relentlessly, and shadowed with destruction from the onset of what another person has done against me.  This work of the enemy never ceases.

I cry out to you o Lord, my faithful friend who never fails me.  You never lie, You never steal, You never leave!  You embrace my head with Your anointing and cast evil far away from my sight.  You claim what has been stolen and return it to me with full favor.  Your protection sets guard around my every side and is watchful & full of strength.  Your vengeance against sin is swift and fierce!  Who can stand against You?  As the wind continues to blow and I remain in breath, I am reminded that You are all around me.  I consume You as I continue to live and you flow in and out of my vessel as a powerful energy.  I never have to be anguish if I remain in You.  Trusting You comes near and far to me; but You prove Yourself every moment that life without You is agony.  As the enemy sneaks around me at night waiting for a time to penetrate my restful thoughts; You are standing over me geared for war.  Armies walk with me in position due to Your command.  You enrich my life even when I am attacked on all sides.  In You, I always survive & become victorious.

Your timing is perfect and Your Spirit is overwhelming.  His presence is too much to bear.  It makes me overjoyed with love & laughter and also brings my face low to the earth in shame & humility. His function in my life keeps me aligned with you, how generous You are for your sacrifice and then for Your great gift of Yourself who convicts me and keeps me safe.  Because of Your great Spirit I can be blameless even while sin creeps around my feet.  I am grateful that another persons sin against You does not define me and in You I am a creation of my own.  You are a gentleman and lover of my soul.  You approach me in ways that honor me and prepare my heart of times of hardness.  You are gentle and me exactly what I need in a way that I will receive it best.  You have produced fruit in me that is genuine and sweet.  Long suffering is attached to the fibers of my creation; and I am allowed to stand close to You as Your will unfolds.  I sit on the sidelines and watch You do great work and although this fruit causes me pain; I never look for You and not see You.  I never call Your name and You don't respond.  I never go through any pain where You don't use it for the advancement of Your Kingdom!

With everything,
Your Amy

This week I watched sin bring a brother in Christ to the brink of utter destruction, I watched the Lord take his heart and soften it, preparing it for a moment.  When the time came, the Lord rushed upon him and laid him bare.  His sins where revealed and humility set in.  When repentance to the Lord was upon this mans lips the Spirit claimed his wasted life and gave him a glimpse of what he can be in Him.  Praise God for renewal and victory!  God is never late!  God is always good!  God is just in everything He chooses to do!  Anger at God is never righteous!  God loves you!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Spilling it all..

My heart is sensitive in 3 categories this week..because I have so much to share I am breaking it down in 3 sections..Here goes!

This week has been tough with the announcement of the genders of all the babies to come that are around me.  The circle of friends that I have is saturated with women who are expecting, we all were just weeks apart.  It has been hard to hear the exciting news of upcoming deliveries.  Its not that I'm sad for them having something that I don't; its that my baby will not be one will google over her or admire the way her face is shaped. My sweet girl misses out on a life with family & friends..I miss out on seeing her grow & mold into a purposeful life. Because our children were so close in age, I will forever ache for the daughter we never held when I hear of all the new developments. The pain has turned from sad to anger to sad to angry again.  I am still morning my Thadeus and before I can heal from that we are morning another child with minimal answers as to why.

All my testing is back..I have a couple things I was not aware of.  I tested positive for MTHFR & PAI-1, these seem to be in somewhat of 20% of ttc couples. MTHFR is a B vitamin deficiency, its treated by additional folic acid and is linked to miscarriage. I was on preventive for this by taking Folguard daily but after researching, I found that the type of folate that we need is called L-Methylfolate.  It is a broken down version of the folate making MTHFR patients able to absorb it correctly.  Folguard does not contain this form so I am looking into taking a med called Metanx. This is something I will have to take for a lifetime.

PAI-1 is a clotting disorder, which I knew I was already borderline for something like this. The treatment is to take a baby aspirin daily for life and then start heparin while pregnant.  I also was taking this remedy after we had ivf done. I researched this also and found that with clotting disorders in pregnancy it is best to take a low molecular weight heparin such as Lovenex instead of heparin itself. These are definitely some small changes I will make when we return for our babies.  It isn't however enough changes for me to feel confident about running back to the Dr in the near future.  I have been aggravated and dissatisfied this week with the lack of answers.  God is working on always

The news everyone has been waiting for.  The Creator of miracles is ALWAYS at work. Shortly after we found out we were pregnant we received some news that we have kept tucked away.  We were hesitate but hopeful that things would work out, as time moves on, our eyes are being opened to knowing that what I'm about to announce is real & God breathed. 

After careful consideration on details & speaking with my friend who is involved in this situation, I feel urged to share this with all of you...

We are adopting a baby in November!  The mom has been in my life for around 10 yrs..she is so sweet to encourage me to share my feelings on here in hopes that it helps me in the waiting period & with the stress of our babies loss.  This baby will be arriving around the time our daughter would of arrived.  The details to this story is what is so amazing to me, I have to reserve them at this time but as they unfold you will see how great Gods divine appointment is when things line up under His will.  To protect the baby's mommy we will call her "Elle".  As you write comments on here she reads them and I encourage you to bless her by expressing to her how lovely a person is to consider adoption as an option.  She is not on Faith N Fertility so please leave your comments on here instead of facebook.

Day by day the Lord is breaking down the guard I put on my heart for this baby.  I think its healthy to simply guard your heart but I had a wall forbidding me to feel anything in hopes I would not be hurt again.  Losing children, in whatever way they come to you, is such a torment on the mind & heart of a women.  I was terrified to grieve again while I'm already grieving two babies that I just lost so recently.  I spoke to a friend who encouraged me to pray for the baby; something I almost refused to do.  I spoke vague prayers but nothing beyond a "bless Elle & bless baby" I knew that if I did pray with my heart; I would fall in love and there would be no turning back.

A few days ago I was laying on the couch & was pondering on the baby in Elle's belly.  I started thinking about the baby I was carrying and how much I prayed for every little detail...I prayed for her whole life. It rushed to me so quickly all the finite things that needed to be said over Elle's little baby.  I started wondering who was praying besides Elle??  Who was asking the Father about the babies life in detail?? I started getting anxious about all the spiritual work that needed done.  I went into fervent prayer for Elle, her body, her life, her decisions, her safety, her family, her home...and then on to praying for the baby in a way a Mommy prays for her child.  I knew then in my heart that this was real & that my baby is on the way.

I talk to Elle mostly everyday by text or phone, I seen her a few days ago and squeezed her so hard.  Its good to see her face and see how good she is doing.  Please pray for this sweet girl and for the sacrifice she is making.  Please pray for her to be blessed beyond measure and for God to pursue her in a way that draws her closer to Him always. 

In a few weeks we too will find out the gender of our ironic is that!

I cant wait to share more as time progresses! We have not shared with Ilana yet..but how exciting it will be when she sees how adoption blesses a family..and how badly we want this new baby and how badly we wanted her!

Friday, May 13, 2011

3 Days ago

I blogged this 3 days ago but between my computer having some viral infections & blogger being "down" I haven't been able to post it til now..Hope to write again tomorrow :)

So many things are up in the air...Undefined or not yet verified.  Things that are so important and they hang in the stillness of the day with no ambition to give me answers.  Waiting on the unexplainable today seems very heavy.
I teared up today as I ran across some “old” things from a few weeks ago.  It’s strange to think it’s only been 3 weeks.  I’m sure I’ve said that same line before attached to a different heartache.  I guess it’s not that hard to believe.  I still feel somewhat numb...Disappointed...Voided. 
I haven’t allowed myself to place much visual attachment to our baby.  Just knowing she is a girl makes it hard, a different kind of hard.  I think imagining a face or giggle will break me in two.
Life here has regained normalcy for the most part...Tanner is in school & working during the afternoons; I tend to miss him alot.  Ilana is home now, we have decided after much prayer to homeschool her...She is doing great!  Chad works non-stop trying to keep things moving along here. I seem to be doing a lot of things but inside I’m standing pretty still.  My thoughts are not very deep; just simple.
Exciting things do seem to be brewing for our family… just right out of reach.  I have a “secret” that I’ve kept pretty private since late February.  I have wanted badly to announce it to the world, for my own sake mostly.  I felt that the more people that know may make it more real…but it involves a friend of mine  and I recently received permission from her to openly talk about it this last week.   I was blessed that she encouraged me to express my emotions about this “secret” on here openly to you.  I am currently praying & waiting for the words to write.
Back on the recurrent pregnancy loss front; I received some testing back today, inhibin-b and Vit D...both normal.  I feel like there is not much more that I can be tested for.  I’m at a loss as to what could be wrong.  Most miscarriages fall into categories of fault; these include things like genetic abnormalities, uterine abnormalities, immune factors, male factor, hormonal aspects, and clotting factors.  I’ve been tested for them all & on meds for the ones I know I struggle with...Just not sure what else is out there.
All I know is I am here and am continuing to seek Gods direction,
I’m quite sure the Lord is creating one big beautiful story…

Sunday, May 1, 2011


The days have passed by without fail and they've been nothing short of weird for me.  I have maybe only cried once since the baby died.  I have had no real emotion for almost 2 weeks until last night.  I met up with some friends for a girls night...hanging out, eating pizza, and playing some cheesy games.  A few hrs into the night I felt anxiety creeping in, nearly within 30 min I was on the brink of a mental trap.  I texted Chad to come get me, not giving him any indication of anything other then I was tired.  He took his time getting there unaware of my current breakdown status.  I kept my composure, almost gave it all away when I met up with a friend in the kitchen letting her know I was going to head home early, I gave her some idea that I was "uncomfortable."  It wasn't until I was in the car on the way home that I realized that I was in a full blown panic attack.  I have not had one for nearly 4 years...I had forgotten how traumatic they can be.  I wailed all the way home, it started seconds after saying a smiling goodbye to my friends.  What in the world??  It came on so fast!  I felt so out of control..praying for God to sustain my thoughts and take over my reactions.  I was scrambling for my eternity focus..that happy place I have been these last days.

Thank Jesus for time..for the passing of time..and for every new day.  Today is new and different then last night, its more focused & not so heavy.

My mind before our girls night has been so empowered by God.  He has taken away my sadness and helped me claim victory where there seems to be none.  I have been so focused on the heavenly outcome and eternity status of the situation that I couldn't bear to even think about what had just happened.  I would have twinges of guilt that I wasn't "broken" over this child compared to the others but then I would realize that its not based on the level of love that I felt for this baby, but the place of maturity God graced me with for this time.  I never in a million years would think I could feel this way, be so full of joy, after such a loss in our family.  Joy has never came easy for me, and now it was just like a shirt I put on in the fit so perfectly and I just kept it on.  It was my favorite garment.  I liked myself more when I had this joy.  Its as though God let me taste what its like to be in that all the time.  When last night snuck up on stole my joy instantly and I had to fight to get it back...I wasn't going to let it go very easily.

That makes it sound like I'm some kind of spiritual hard hitter but actually in reality...I did let it go easy.  I took 2 pain pills from my D&E and went to bed crying.  It was God's mercy & deep grace that allowed me to get up this morning feeling good.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow, I think that may be why I unconsciously had that episode.  I feel in my heart that it may be hard to hear what he has to say.  Our tests results should be in telling us if our baby was a boy or a girl.  Either answer on that testing is going to be painful and probably make this more real then its felt so far.  Our chromosome testing should be in, letting us know if our little one was genetically healthy.  Then we have to talk about our next steps...its always a beautiful conversation. No matter where you are and what Dr you are with it probably will consist of something that costs tons of money and guarantees no answers or promise.  I'm ready to talk to the Dr about my bleeding & cramping, Ive called once and was told it was normal but my gut tells me it may not be.  Tomorrow is 2 weeks and I have severe cramping at times and the bleeding is heavy all the time.  It has not tapered and causes me to worry about things like anemia.

I have been praying to God for wisdom, for my body to be healthy, and for Him to plain out just heal me.  He will do what He sees best as always.  I trust Him and love Him so much, I am hoping for clarity and direction for tomorrow.  If you feel led, please pray for me.

Big Hugs!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tests for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

Here is a list I have compiled for tests that can be run for recurrent pregnancy loss.  Some are included in the RPL panel but many are not.  Research each one separately and be your own patient advocate.  You need to know as much as you can in order to prevent losing another child to a lack of information.  If you have any questions about any of these please let me know.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Title Change

The joy of the Lord has pressed into me the last few days in such a unnatural way.  I went to our appointment yesterday awaiting our ultrasound as a last visual of reality.  Either God had plans to preform a great miracle and answer our prayers or He was organizing a different plan...a better plan then even raising the dead.  The ultrasound showed our sweet baby still floating inside the gestational life, no heartbeat.

Surprisingly it brought great closure to us.  Seeing the baby, I felt no grief, only a reassurance that our little one was not really there anyway, and a great love for God that He would even care enough to make a place for our children to go and live forever.  I went into the D&E (Dilation and evacuation) without fear.  The screen had showed that my gestational sac had increased in size and I was taking on lots of fluid, it was either do a d&e or end up in the ER.   I was completely at peace and ready for it to be over.  I was glad that we were given the chance to maybe have some answers later from the chromosomal testing they will perform afterwards. 

Right before I was taken back to surgery, I heard a lie in my mind that I granted access to.  I entertained it for a few moments and it brought me to tears.  It was a thought that said, "you must apologize to Chad for not being able to keep his babies alive."  I looked at Chad sorrowfully and apologized, the reaction on his face was a reminder that this was not my fault.  I quickly took control back of my mind and chose not to dwell on such falseness.  There is no one to blame, just a journey that has been chosen for my family and because I trust God...I cant blame Him either.  I can only accuse Him of loving me enough to not give me what I want, in order to do what is best for me.  I can also accuse Him of protecting me from deeper pain then I received.

I was glad to wake and be with Chad again.  On our way home I thought about all the friends I have made on this adventure and how He has given me access to speak for the unborn and the hurting women in a way that I never could have attained on my own.  If I would conceive and carry every time I wanted with no problems, I would never be able to speak to women in this area and understand their pain.  I am privileged to have a voice in this community of women, and for that I am so grateful. 

Choosing to love God when we are suffering is not easy.  We know He has the power to change our circumstances without much effort..but its not loving God that stretches us..its trusting Him that grows us into a great love with Him in the first place.  God is never changing, and so His love is the same way..never changing, never fading...even if it means we sometimes hurt for our own sakes.  The Lord owes me nothing and I know that when I ask Him of things it can only be given by His mercy.  I don't deserve anything and neither does a single person on earth, the cross is sufficient; and if I had the great choice of receiving the cross and all that it means or receiving all the little desires of my self and heart...I would always chose the cross.  If I didn't, the Lord will chose it for me.  He knows in the center of my spirit that beyond all needs & wants, it is Him that I desire more then anything; more then myself.

I am filled with joy today that I don't understand, I am hesitate and a little guarded that maybe I will fall apart later.  I know that there will be times where my heart aches again for my little ones and that is to be expected, but I pray and long for this joy to stay cemented deep inside of me; for right now it brings me such freedom in a time where I could be so depressed, I am instead praising God!  I thank Him for doing the right thing for me all the time and loving me more then I could ever allow myself to be loved. 

My new blog title is being changed from 7 in a 8 in a row.  Although I never wanted to raise my numbers, I daydream a beautiful picture of the day I pass from this earth and am rushed upon by faces I have never seen but recognize as parts of me and my husband.  I will know in my heart which one is my oldest..and youngest, and all the sweethearts in between.  I will spend eternity with them praising God for His goodness and greatness.  I thank the Lord right now for teaching me even now about His kindness and making the tough choices for me; for being such a good Dad.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

What if?

What if God means what He says?
What if God is really the same God He was 2000 years ago?
What if Gods Word is true?
What if Jesus was raised from the dead?
What if the Holy Spirit rushes throughout us creating power & miracles?
What is Jesus really does moan and groan on our behalf to the Father?
What if we really are alive in Christ?

If this is true then how can I justify laying in self pity?

Today I am refreshed and alive.  I refuse to believe that death awaits my baby.  I command the spirit of death of leave my family in the name of Jesus!
I have searched my heart and listened intently for God the last few days.  I am been waiting for the horrible to come and wrench my heart once again while I speak meek prayers of "Jesus help me."  Who is this scared tired girl inside of me?  This is not the bold women of faith that God has called me to be.  If my friend was dying or suffering I would plead and beg on her behalf, but for myself I have curled into fetal position and waited for my demise.  Rise up dead spirit and pray to the Lord who is alive and gives you strength!! I rebuke fear and death in the name of Jesus!  There is power in the name of the Lord that forces the enemy to flee.  I rebuke the enemy and all his work in our lives!

Today I am petitioning to the Lord with a prayer of hope and joy.  I am asking for you to join me in faith and ask for the impossible.  Jesus says we can ask of Him anything we need...Anything!  I pray while believing that Jesus will restore the beating heart of our child, along with growth in his body.  That when we go for our dnc on Monday, the ultrasound prior will show a healthy miraculous baby full of life!  There is nothing God cannot do and we believe in His powerful healing.  As He raises dead to life, I command this baby to live, grow, and thrive.  Please say this prayer for us with boldness, I am learning daily that my meek prayers don't avail to much.  James 5:16 says that if we confess our sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed..The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  POWERFUL & EFFECTIVE!!

I confess my lack of faith, and my poor response.  I confess to you that I have not been the witness that God has called me to be and that I have chose to not believe Him.  I confess that its easy to love God in times of goodness but not so much in times of trial.  I also confess that I have been in self pity and allowed the enemy to rejoice over my lack of joy.  I have chose to be without comfort and without hope.

For this child, I ask for your friendship and partnership in my battle.  While I fight for myself please also let me me fight for you as well...leave your prayer requests and I will pray without ceasing.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Its been 2 days since my ultrasound.  Two days with a baby inside of me that is no longer living.  Baby didn't grow and still measured around 6 weeks and no viable heartbeat.  How can it beat so strong one week and then the next there is nothing?

I felt demise when I went into the office, like something was not quite right.  I haven't felt normal since.  My instant response was shock...I said to the Dr a few times..."UN believe able!!" Stretching out the word so that the pauses were evident.  Then I laughed out loud crazy-like to Chad and just stared him in the eye as if he may laugh with me.

While in his office talking about the "next step dnc" I felt like I was in someone else's body

In the parking lot ready to leave, I had intense rage.  I beat on myself and the car and screamed as loud as I was physically capable.  I now repent of things I said that were untrue...such as, "I never want to be pregnant again!!"  and "This is all your testimony God, all for your story!!...(said sarcastically)

We drove to town and sit at a restaurant/bar with a pizza and pitcher of beer...thinking, whats it matter now?

and then we sat there and sat there into the late afternoon...slowly a few friends gathered around.

Chad broke down and left with a great friend who brought him back a few hours later all put back together for the time being.

I sat with Logan for hours...just staring, crying, and thinking about what just happened.

We had 2 confirmed ultrasounds at 2 different places...both my Missouri doc and Ft Wayne doc wants a dnc for genetic testing.  I want to know whats going on but kinda at a loss emotionally.  If I leave the baby in til my body passes it naturally we wont be able to test it...but my heart isn't ready to "remove" it.  If I have them do the dnc, I will never "see" the baby or anything that past experience is so used to that.  I will just be sent home feeling like I have went through a unnatural violation. 

Right now I just sit and pretend its not happening.  I read stories online about women with the same thing and a week later they go in for another ultrasound and lo and behold everything is fine.  I want hope in something like that...but being hopeless almost feels better.  I don't understand that but its as though if I know that the baby is 100% gone then I can move on, but if I feel any hope at all then it just drags out a "what if" and may lead to another disappointment.  I don't know but I think I may be just a bit screwed up.

I am fearful that I am in denial...I still feel pregnant, my body is still preforming like it was; sore and swollen, changing daily.  What in the world???  I just don't get this whole thing. 

I am so angry at myself and everyone and thing with the response of this.  Instead of going home and praying on my face to the God who raises the dead for a miracle..I went to the bar (which isn't even my thing) and when people pray for us they are praying for relief...not a miracle.  Why not a miracle??  What is wrong with us?  What is wrong with me?  How did hopelessness ever feel better then hope??  Why can we trust God when things are going good but not so much when our selfish hearts don't get what we want?  When did we start loving with conditions attached? Why not pray for the impossible to the "all things are possible" God?

Jesus, please come quickly, please restore life and viability...create a miracle in my womb!!! You are our only hope! We cant seem to fathom this Lord, please give us wisdom and a faith that moves mountains.  Help us to not doubt you.  Take this day and teach us about the works you do beyond human abilities.  Help us to believe you in all things and to not be tossed around like the wind.  Give us joy in You.  We love you and love this baby..please restore all things for Your glory.  Holy Spirit rush over us and our family, save us from the enemy of the Lord and redeem us.  Father, hear our cries and pour out your pure grace and mercy on us.  We deserve nothing good but know you are so gracious and loving..we cant help but ask.  Daddy please.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Ultrasound video

Here is the link to our ultrasound video...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Say Cheese!

Today's ultrasound was the feat that just about beat me....the closer we got to the time the more my heart raced.  The peace that passes all understanding had been with me nearly all week long.  I had a few bouts of anxiousness but for the most part I was focused on other things.  The hr before the appt was another story, my hands were sweaty, my belly sick with nervousness, and I could pee every 5 minutes if I allowed myself.

We didn't wait but a few minutes before they called us in.  A young girl gave me my instructions along with my paper blankie, and left us alone to prepare.  Chad ran the camcorder again, we like to send each video to our Doc in Missouri as well, so we can have a second opinion on anything we may or may not see.

At 6 wks our ultrasound showed only a gestational sac, it was made pretty clear to us that this pregnancy had only a small chance of continuing on.  Even though the Dr sounded optimistic he matter of a factly told us that there should have been a yolk sac and fetus in the gestational sac....and because it was empty, we would just have to wait and see.  All week long I have just hoped an prayed that we would get to our appt and see that everything was ok...that this time I didnt have to be "that girl" who broke everybodies hearts with news of disappointment.

I am happy to say that we saw the gestational sac and it had grown so much since 10 days ago, and inside that sac was a tiny (3.4mm) baby with a yolk sac....and a little beating heart! The tech took a snapshot...Say Cheese!!   Babies first picture was so blurry and meek...I love every millimeter :)

We were so thrilled!!

Because my life tends to have drawbacks, we were left with a bit of pondering though.  The baby measures at 6 wk 1 day.  IVF doesn't leave much wiggle room since you know exactly when you trigger ovulation, retrieve eggs, and transfer ivf tells us we are 7wks 3 days.  This odd amount of time in between just doesn't make sense.  My Dr. in Indy says it could be that we got pregnant on our own...still don't understand that one, considering I had no eggs (they were all retrieved) and I was on pelvic rest for 5 weeks or egg/no sperm/no baby...

My Dr. in Missouri says...No big deal, Ive seen cases just like this and they catch up or just continue on with normal growth.

Either way, we are back to waiting.  We have another ultrasound scheduled in 11 days.  Indy Doc says if there is a strong heartbeat then, we will stop worrying.  Ugh.. I don't know if I will ever stop worrying, til baby is home and keeping me up all night :)  We stopped in town on our way home and bought a pair of maternity pants and some long shirts.  Sounds funny while baby is so small but reguardless I have gained 14 plus pounds since beginning of ivf and nothing fits.  After putting them on I realized that I should have been wearing them all my life.  Let me tell you, maternity pants are for everyone!!  A piece of heaven :)

Thank you for all your prayers, I have received so many emails, posts, and texts!!  You guys are amazing and are all "Jesus in the flesh" to me.  I love you!
Im trying to upload the video so you all can see...I'll have it on here soon.

***Info on a retroverted uterus (tipped) ...which is what I asked about in the video. These questions and more Info can be found at

What is a retroverted uterus?
A retroverted uterus, also known as a tipped or tilted uterus, is a uterus that tilts back toward the rectal area. In most women the uterus will tilt slightly forward toward the belly. Actually, having a retroverted uterus is quite common. Reports vary but approximately 20% to 40% of all women have a retroverted uterus. Because this is so common, doctors rarely mention if you have a tilted uterus unless you ask.

Why is it so difficult to find the baby via ultrasound?
Actually only during the early first trimester do we believe it may be a little more difficult to find the baby via transvaginal ultrasound. After talking to women and their ultrasound techs we've concluded that the positioning is more awkward when the uterus is retroverted and this makes viewing a bit trickier. There may be a possibility that when the baby lies parallel to the ultrasound beam, measurments may be off and the baby will appear smaller than he actually is. However, in the second trimester, measurements are generally more accurate in women with a tilted uterus.

**Pray in agreeance with me: 
Rise up angels of the unborn...minister to the wombs!  Rise up lovers of Christ and tend to the flocks around you!  Rise up little children, pray your sweet prayers with your simple hearts!  Rise of body of the lamb, Speak loud and firm about the love of you Lord!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

29 days past transer..steady moving along

My last big news was the infamous ultrasound that felt like a 10 sec walk in the park.  If you haven't had a chance to see it, check out my last blog will know what I mean.

I was a bit worried after the appt, its funny how fear & doubt creep in so sneaky-like.  I went on the 24th for another beta hcg test.  My last one done was 2 days before resulting in a whopping number of 6069! This one however was only 8747...shouldn't have had it done!!  It played a mean mental game with me for the remainder of the day.  I couldn't race home fast enough to put it in the hcg calculator online to find out my doubling time. My time had increased to 91 hrs.  I did some research and found out that after your hcg reaches 6000 the doubling time increases from 48 hrs to 96 hrs.  This gave me some relief and eventually put it out of my mind.

I am convinced that everything is fine and that if we had spent just a few more moments looking on the ultrasound we would not have had this week and a half of hesitation.  My Dr from Ft Wayne called after the blood draw and stated that even though I had ivf, my body is reacting as though I had a spontaneous conception...meaning I got pregnant on my own.  He said that my dates just don't add up.  I am still so sure that everything is on track and that we should of taken a closer look.

Next Friday is our u/s...every time we have had one its been not so good.  I'm sort of dreading it but ready to face it and know the facts.  Ready to see a beating heart...or maybe 2

Laying around today, relaxing and trying to stay focused on good positive thoughts.  Been thinking of starting my bible study on marriage now that things are starting to click into place.  I think it would be good for me and the other ladies involved, its a great study.  I'm sure our husbands would really love it also :)

I'll keep everyone updated as soon as we know more...Big Hugs!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not as we expected...

What a day!!

Headed out strong and positive...peaceful.  Our ultrasound was at 11, we planned a whole day in Ft Wayne afterwards with the agenda of a good movie, yummy food, and some shopping.  Lesson learned...don't plan your life, its not yours to plan.

We didn't wait long before my name was called.  The ultrasound was much anticipated and I kept my eyes on the screen totally forgetting I was not going to look originally.  We quickly saw a gestational sac...but no baby and no yolk sac.

I'm 6 weeks today and hoping I implanted later then we thought.  Dr said to have hcg drawn and if numbers were above 3000 we still had some hope. They came back at 6069 leaving us with a doubling time of 51 hrs (normal is 48-72hrs) The light at the end of the tunnel still continues to stay lit...we just slink our way towards it in hope that victory will be received!

Today I spoke aloud to the enemy and myself as a reminder, "The Lord loves me!"  "The Lord loves me!" Over and over in the elevator I said it aloud.  I remember how easy it is to forget or doubt that love when we don't get our way.  I refuse to leave the Lord if this ends abruptly...I need Him way to much.  The truth that helped me today was knowing He was with me.  I asked Him several times aloud, "You here?  You got my back?" I remember breathing in deep afterwards spontaneously almost as if He gave me a breath of fresh air and said, "I could never leave you."

I'm posting my video from today..its super short.  I think we were in there a total of  a minute.  Look hard at the video I thought I saw a glimpse of a embryo when he scanned once but it was so quick my eyes couldn't adjust.  On the video its hard to see b/c it wasn't zoomed in quite enough.  I am curious if your eyes will see anything else though...I may be grasping at straws but I thought I saw something I wasent expecting.  For those of you that have been through this, your eyes are better trained then most u/s techs...would love to see any comments of feedback and definitely comments of hope.

Love and bless you all!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

A Day Away...5w6d

The last few days have been tough mentally.  I'm struggling with wanting to resume daily life and having a hard time throwing myself into normalsy.  Yesterday I went to church...for the first time since we started treatment in early Feb.  I love my church and the people, the worship always brings me into the the presence of God and the teachings are challenging, many times I have announced I am pregnant, just to go back in a few days or weeks and tell everyone that our baby has passed.  Its like the boy who cried wolf.. after awhile they stop reacting.  Out of fear for you they don't respond the same anymore.  For instance I told someone I was pregnant and a look of dread came over "o, no..that's horrible."  Its as though I'm doomed for disaster.  I understand the hesitation for excitement, I definitely am hesitate.  I cant seem to allow myself to consume the idea at all.  Privately I pray and hold my belly but always with reservation. 

I know I serve a God who gives and takes away, and I'm ok with that.   l love the Lord and I trust Him, I'm not angry at Him for the things I have suffered for I know I have eternity to spend with my children and also that God has my best interest at the forefront always.  I am just reserved to give myself fully to this pregnancy maybe out of fear...I have been talking to God about this and we are definitely working through truth such as...Fear does not come from God, Suffering is vital as a christian, dying to myself and wanting Gods will over mine is crucial, This life is not my own, we have an enemy and he is entertained by my fear, and with God all things are possible.   Lots of good teaching are being reexamined in my mind...Gods work is always good.

Tomorrow is my ultrasound, it cant come fast enough.  I had a dream about it last night...lets hope that it comes true.  I thought of taking the kids but know that maybe we should wait.  I think I probably will look away and concentrate on Chads reaction.  If its good, I'll look...if its bad, I'll peek with one eye til the Lord helps me face it head on.  Yesterday before church I took another urine test..not sure why, just wanted to see the lines again and see if they were darker.  They were so dark as if it was marked with a red marker..little things like that help me to relax.  I hope and pray that tomorrow is blessed with great news.  Cant wait to share!!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Steady does it...

Things are moving right the pace of a snail it seems.  I am desperately waiting for the 8 week mark to pass.  I have avoided people, friends, and church as a form of protection against questions and my fake comments of security; when really I am still very scared.  I'm just not ready to rejoice or celebrate.  Tuesday's ultrasound cant come fast enough..I have ran over in my mind all the things that could go wrong, there could be no heartbeat, it could be a blighted ovum with no baby, maybe its ectopic, or with my luck maybe it implanted somewhere never heard of before, like my kidney.  Regardless of my senseless day dreaming, I try hard to imagine seeing the baby doing its thing in the right place at the right time.

Other then my sore chest, being wore out, and increased appetite, I feel the same.  My belly is extremely bloated from what...I don't know.  Considering the baby is the size of a sesame seed I'm not sure why I look 5 months pregnant.  That is another reason I have hid out, not sure I can hide it and don't want people to stare.  I think its a combination of the heparin shots that have my belly very bruised and swollen along with me eating like a cow and laying around alot.  For whatever reason..its there and its out there.

Today we are going to venture out to Lot 49 and help with a clean up day...I'll probably hang out with some girlfriends around the hot dog table and make sure everyone gets fed...especially me, sounds horrible doesn't it?  Anyway, it'll be good to try to feel like one of the crowd today, maybe I'll be a blessing to someone or be blessed...either way, I pray today is good.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

19dp3dt...Another step in the right direction!

Last Monday I went in for another hcg numbers didn't double.  I walked out of of the hospital and while waiting by the van for my dh, I saw an friend of mine in the parking lot.  She was hesitate to make eye contact with me...I could tell she was on the verge of tears.  After some persuasion and reminding her that people don't just run into each other by coincidence, I asked her to share with me why she was so broken.  My lab results were in my hand while we spoke, and I knew my news was not ideal but I had no time to be sad after watching my dear friends tears trail down her cheeks.  She shared with me that someone very close to her was dying of cancer and had a mear 3 months to live.  She barely could say the words, it broke her heart tremendously.  She had spent every day with her family at the hospital praying and loving a man, who by the world standards was destined for death. 

When I got back in the car to leave, I started to cry...partially for my babies...mostly for my friend.  It really puts things in perspective when you look around and notice that life isn't about you at all.  Most of my day I think about the way I feel, the things I want, my life, my journey, my struggles, my hope, my fears, my!  Every now and then you have a moment where you step back and realize that nothing was ever about you.. Someone else always need more, wants more, feels more, hurts more, yearns more, deserves more then you.  We cant help but to look inward because of our selfishness but if we started to form a habit of looking outward instead..I bet our insides would mold into something creative and unique..something worth taking a look at every now and then.

Our numbers on Thursday March 10th was 124, 4 days later they "should have" doubled twice making them a 500.  Our number were instead a 411...some growing happened, but was unsure if things were slowing down and would eventually stop.  I found a great link about hcg levels and how doubling really takes 48-72 hrs in early pregnancy..this helped calm my nerves. ( Both Doctors called and said that as long as number raise by 60% we should be on track.  They scheduled another level to be drawn today..Wednesday. 

Going in there today was the reveal of growth..if the numbers didn't raise much we knew that things had slowed down and it would be a matter of time for a miscarriage...but if numbers raised then we could still be in the game.  I have learned to wait in town for my results to be processed in medical records rather then running home to wait on the couch for a phone call.  They are usually done within the hr. so we had a quick breakfast and headed to the hospital.  I cheated in the elevator and opened the envelope with my destiny in it...I couldn't wait to know.  It crossed my mind to open it with Chad in the car but I just couldn't help but peak and get it over with.

I took it out to the car trying to keep my face from showing any expression that would give it away..and handed it over.  Chad opened it and instantly was ecstatic..our numbers was 952!  It more then doubled since Monday...relief swept over us..

Next step is ultrasound on Tuesday..we should be able to see the heartbeat along with the yolk sac.  It seems things are moving in the right direction...our prayer is to get through the next 3 weeks with no problems.  My bleeding has been gone since my ultrasound so I started back on heparin yesterday.  Hoping that the combination of drugs and support I'm on keeps up trudging along.

Prayer request:
Complete healing for the man with cancer...and comfort for friends and family
Faith N Fertility women..prayer requests are flooding in daily..If you want to pray for someone just look at their stories on facebook
Our friend Elan to have direction, wisdom, and a heart that seeks God
**Please remember the girls that suffered losses this month..there are so many that are hurting**

Friday, March 11, 2011

For you...

I shut my eyes tonight and thought of one person that was quickly brought to my heart...someone that I know may be suffering as I sit here.  I opened the Word and found a beautiful prayer that I would love to say for her.  I ask you all that before you read it to shut your eyes as your heart for that one person who may need you tonight and read this to the Lord for them.

Ephesians 3:14-21

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of His glorious riches, He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.  And to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God!

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever! Amen!"

We all need to be reminded from time to time that we ARE the body of Christ, sometimes we forget and sometimes we look for someone else to be the body instead.  The body is a living organism that need connection with each other to be able to function at full potential.

Today was a strangely emotional day...thinking about my friends who are mourning the loss of their pregnancy's this month.  Trying to allow myself to feel some joy about our own situation, which is proving to be very hard to do.  My disbelief is evident in my thoughts but somewhere deep in my heart...I want to love this, I want to not be scared, I want to just enjoy this time...   I think its a process that Ive only gotten so far with and everyday I am getting closer to my last heartache.  

I realized today that its only been 6 months since we lost Thadeus...Its true that you don't substitute one child for another because even today I cried for him.  We talked about his little beating heart and watching it perform for us on the screen the day he died.  He represents the innocent of innocent, never even a hard thought entered him...he wasn't even there yet.  He was just simply living like the Lord designed him to do.  How beautiful an image I have of him in my mind... You never forget one child just because you have another.

I had an ultrasound today to check on my far as we could see there was no source and so far today I have had no blood.  I am so thankful.  I listed to my dear friends talk about the onset of their periods and how hard it is when you know that your babies just died.  I have felt that so many times that its like tasting rotten food...I hate it for them and hate it for us.  The doctor told me today that he knows I'm human and even though he may tell me to relax, I probably wont til fall...I'm sure he must know many women like me.

We wasn't able to see any baby stuff on the u/s..its so early yet.  Hopefully in a few weeks that will be a beating heart or hearts to celebrate!  Monday I go back for another hcg level, normal levels will be over 500 for me.  Lets hope and pray...

Prayer requests:
To make it another week being pregnant...
My family
My friends to feel the Love of Christ
Women of Life group to have vision and direction for Life Church

Blessing to all of you!!