Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Anonymous Letter....

 I just love this time of year...snow is gradually gathering outside, Christmas lights flickering in most living rooms, and mail starts trickling in from people you know near and far.... and then one trip to the mail box tries to spoil your season of thanksgiving by sending you this...
Ive decided even though I don't contain the capacity to defend myself, leaving that role up to God alone...I do however just want to comment on such a personal attack.  I received this letter postmarked Dec. 16th, 2 days after we had already cancelled our "benefit."  My closest friends know this as I sent out a text to 15 people on the 14th telling them that we had decided to cancel for various reasons.  The people in my life encouraging me to drop my dream of having a baby are not my closest friends and/or not believers in Jesus...they are simply people whom I don't associate with on a close basis.  My last post titled "Brace Yourselves" was about something totally different from IVF, it was a combination of things that had happened...I didn't go into detail about what had happened in that post because some things in life are just private.  I can see where a person could read that assuming it was about our journey but I assure you it was not.  I have had a few friends who are Christians ask me about the procedure with concern but never the less set it aside to love us while we continue on.  

I was not putting the benefit on for myself, there is a group of women who were volunteering their time and they also had the original idea for it, we however had changed the name of the "benefit" on Dec 12th to a public auction and dinner because Chad & I personally didn't like the name, "benefit." We had many many people donate and help for the event, I am still calling people who are very apparently disappointed that we are not doing it, and we still are in the process of returning donated items.  As for the attack against our finances...wow!  If you must know my husband and I don't work "normal jobs"...but that is what we prayed for.  We both are self employed, paying taxes on the 2 jobs we have every year for the last 4 years.  We don't make lots of money but we are comfortable and somewhat limited but that was our choice.  We prayed that the Lord would make a way for us to stay home together, raise our kids with both parents present, and still be able to make ends meet.  He graciously did that for us and each year we have been able to invest more into our kids then some that have to work outside the home daily.  We cant do some things that other people can but that was what we chose.  My husband works hard and works for others on the side, we both do ministry...he does acts of service and I lead women and help at the church. 

To the person who wrote this letter...  Your letter did not affect me and I couldnt possible consider anything in it for one reason.  You did not sign your name.  The word I can gather from this is "coward,"  if you felt strongly enough to take the time to type this up, you could have approached me with your intent.  The Lord says that when you have a problem with another person you should go to that person in private, then if that person does not listen to reason...you take another with you again as a witness for another confrontation.  You decided to write that the Lord wants me to STOP....I'm assuming this means my actions towards having another baby.  I am shocked...the Lord does not speak that way.... Period!  He gently loves his people and softly brings them to truth.  If this was the Lords work He never would have allowed you to drop a anonymous letter, say slanderous things about His people, encourage us to give us on the desire He has given us, and then insinuate that we don't care for the children that we do have already.  You then tagged His name to it as if it was from Him.  How dare you!! 

I never thought that wanting a baby would be so uprooting to someone else.  My kids have prayed for years for a brother and sister...Tanner being 17 is my miracle son.  The only child out of 8 who have survived my womb.  Ilana reminds me all the time to pray for our baby.  She just came to me on Sunday and asked me, "have you prayed for our baby today?" These kids believe in the power of prayer and I wont encourage them to give up nor will we stop til the Lord answers.  Reguardless of the disappointment of thinking I have let someone like this anonymous person into my life, I am glad to be refocused again on our goal this February.  We are still praying for a miracle and that I will be with child before then....we will soon see.