Wednesday, November 3, 2010

One Big Sigh!

Finally its all hit at once...as it seemed to sneak around the corner at me from time to time, I was expecting it.  Common enough, its not sorrow, pity, sadness or anything of the sort.  Instead its the heightened awareness of judgement and skepticism around me that enables me to sleek away from everything and everyone easier.  Sometimes you just see it, a look in someones eye when you bring up your past heartaches & hopes for the future, as if to say, "O, here we go again."  Other times its outward comments that don't show any consideration for what you are going through.  Like how easy it is for them to get pregnant and they say it somewhat quietly to someone else so that your not really included in the joke.  I'm just pissed off today, I'm assuming already someone will have their hand over their mouth because I cussed. 

I am working on so many things at once til my mind is pretty mushy and then on top of it I feel like those that I care about the most could care less about what is going on with me...with us.  I really wanted the support of my community, my friends, and my church.  Its hard to see where their views against IVF or against us even trying again would cause them to give up on us.  The hardest part is just not really knowing who supports you and who doesn't.  Only a few have actually said that they don't...those didn't surprise me much, but others don't want to hurt your feelings so they just don't say.   You know though when you are discussing things, you can see the glimmer of foolishness that is in their eyes for you. 

Today I just want to be alone...snuggle up with Chad and tell him how glad I am that I can partner with him in all of this.  I am tired of hearing people opinions when they are not supportive.  Please pass on to your friends today... that today, I'm out!  Today, I don't care!  Today, I have no arguments for you!  Today, I don't need to plead my case!  Today, I am working on things that stir my heart and nothing less!  Today, I pray will not be the same tomorrow! 

Today is just one big sigh!