Thursday, November 18, 2010

How I really feel about doing IVF

In the past few months I have received great heat from others about our family decision to do IVF.  It first happened before the decision was made, I was at a retreat with some friends and afterwards headed home with opinions, ideas, and revelations from everyone but the Lord.  It seems that apparently He was running around giving everyone glimmers of the journey I was to be on, everyone but me at the time.  I spoke to a women that day that encouraged me to not listen to other people when they come to me with a word from the Lord, or if they have a opinion that they believe is inspired by their faith in God....UNLESS, the Lord has already put that burden on my heart. 

For instance, if a person is working in a job that they are undecided about and have taken it to the Lord in prayer and came out with a result that made them feel that they can leave the position, then a friend comes and says that through prayer they feel like the Lord wants this person to quit their job....then I would say that that person should consider a job placement somewhere else.  Its called confirmation.  God does not typically tell everyone else your business without letting you know first what He desires for you.  He doesn't typically go to any group of people with orders of repentance or change unless He has already softened them and prepared them to receive what He has for them.  In return, the soft prepared person would drink the word that was brought and fall in repentance to the Lord.  He's not a God that hides your will for your life from you in hopes to tell someone else whats up with you.  He is a personal God and most definitely will bring it to you your heart and to your face.

Since that first encounter or judgement, I have seen and heard lots of rumors, remarks, and received emails about what my brothers and sisters in Christ believe is right or wrong for me and my family.  The insinuation that because we are continuing with IVF reveals a lack of faith for our home is appalling.  We believe with all our heart that we are clearly on a well lit path and our faith is strong in the Lord and what He can do.  I know that many feel that we are weak and confused, I want to make sure everyone understands that what we are confused about is the reaction that we are receiving from the body and NOT the path we are taking.

Another insinuation is that we must be out of Gods will to press forward in this procedure.  Wow!  Please know that if this your thoughts, that I kindly want to tell you that my life's will, the one God has prepared for mine.  Mine alone.  Its told to me in secret meetings and discussions between me and the Creator.  There is no way anyone, other then my husband, could possible know the complete will God has on my life. 

My job as a follower and believer is to love God, love others, and submit in love to my husband.  Months ago the Lord confronted me about laying down my ability to have a baby.  I have carried this burden for many years and again He came and asked me to switch Him yolks.  I honestly admitted to Him that I physically couldn't.  I have tried so many times and didn't know how or was unable to follow through.  Because the Lord is such a sweetheart, He gave me an alternative, He asked me to give it to Chad (my husband).  To me that sounded like something I could actively do and loyally give it up.  Chad hasn't made many decisions in our years of trying to conceive and he was a bit shocked and ready to take on the load.  I agreed in a vow to not make any decisions regarding our fertility, meds, doctors, procedures, etc.   I would not even order my prenatals or make Dr appts.  He would do it all.  It was the biggest relief from this burden, I cast it upon Chad who handled it without as much emotion as I and he jumped right in  researching and praying about our journey.  I am faithfully claiming my vow and following his lead, this is a light load for sure.  I simply ask Chad to pray for certain things while I ask the Lord to give him wisdom.  when Chad has a answer or feels a certain way, I agree in obedience because that's what the Lord has asked me to do.  Whenever a person rises up against me and asked me to reconsider my plans, they are in light asking me to be defiant to my husband, abandon the glimpse the Lord has shown us, and rebel against His will for our lives.  God is asking us to be faithful and trust in the unseen.  Although many peoples intentions are good, they are ultimately asking me to be a wife unfaithful to my spouse and to the Lord.

I have heard that some feel there is an alignment between IVF and abortion, I have also seen extreme comments saying that children that are conceived through IVF and similar procedures are not even children from God.  Some seem to think that these children don't even belong in the kingdom of heaven.  Some state that infertility to them is Gods way of putting chlorine in the gene pool.  whether you are extreme in your views or slightly undecided, whatever comments you throw out are crushing to our spirits.   the shocker to us is that our persecution is coming from 100% believers.  Never once have I received one statement or second thought from someone outside of the body of Christ.  What is going on? 

We still pray for the Lord to heal my body.  Shockingly enough its not our first choice to have this procedure done, we would much rather lay together and become pregnant and save the money and time.  We would love for the ending of our story to be that God just took my broken body and made it whole.   We know that the Lord can still heal us but we don't know that He will.  Since we decided that we were going to pursue this option, I have been in contact with women that I never would have known.  He is giving me a voice to their desperate hearts, I'm not sure why me, but its happening.  I would suggest that these women are part of his plan for me as well.  I assume that He loves them generously and wants them to have someone to walk with them through their pain.  Its not unusual for Him to allow you to experience something for the sake of someone else.

I am confused about what people expect from us.  I feel their not happy with IVF and point out our "lack of faith", and then I see them asking for the miraculous for us, when indeed after examining IVF I have come to the conclusion that it is nothing less then miraculous.  For those of you who don't know the procedure involved, I will blog that in the next few days so you can examine it with me.  Most who have voiced opinions for us want Chad and I to believe in a whole healing and wait for the Lord.  I know in all of my spirit that God is capable of the unimaginable, and I also know that He sometimes does that in a way that is not our own, requiring even more faith.  We believe our faith is at an all time high, we have nothing left but faith.

I wonder what people would think if we decided to not find medical care, and allow my body to become pregnant.  It can happen, the chance is there, but with that chance poses a great risk.  My left tube is gone, my right tube is completely defective.  Because of the scar tissue inside and out, this tube cannot support a babies travel route.  Its like swimming through sea weed, it most likely will get stuck and implant where it is.  Although, the Lord can change all of that....He may chose not to.  I feel as though the Lord was so gracious to us after 12 years to finally reveal what was truly going on in my secret places.  He showed me the severity of my tubes and although our baby died, we now understand what has been going on.  This information has given us the ability to make wiser decisions.  If we were to be pregnant again there is a 90% chance my baby will die in the tube.  Is everybody ok with that? What would they say then? Would it be ok for us then to have IVF since another baby is gone along with my last tube? Most likely they would then taint the promise the Lord gave us through scripture and prayer and announce that it must be His will for us not to have a baby at all.  Who's lack of faith is it?? 

The Lord has taught in the last few weeks to not be our own defenders.  I know that I don't have to plead my case or rise up in a rally to get people on my side.  He will sustain us when persecution comes.  I can petition however for those who love us truly, to tighten their lips and open their hearts.  Try to love us regardless and love us as you will need love when the whole world backs you in a corner.  It will happen, it always does.  I pray for the Lord to show me where I have been in judgement against others as well and to make me very aware when I pose to do it again.  For I know in my heart that its incredibly painful.  For we have been hurt beyond measure.