Thursday, October 21, 2010

Rewind Part 4

Your probably wondering if my "rewind" posts are ever going to end.  Hopefully, I can quickly get you up to speed so we can start chatting about the future & what amazing things it holds.  For now, we are back to our story.

Once upon a time in Guatemala.... The trip there was painful but theraputic.  It was as if I could pretend to be cast away from the world we had left behind.  Everyone on the trip was aware of what was going on but didnt make it a focal point and would comfort us gently.  The gush of discharge and tissue from time to time was an awful reminder that I wasent just some foreign visitor coming to help a poverished land, I was a grieving mother who was trying to escape her worst nightmare.

Our families theme of going to Guatemala was to serve at the House of Hope orphanage in Zacapa.  What a beautiful place to be, it was almost as a fantasy.  The country, as poor as it is, was full of life & vigor.   People were so ready to be loved and share love.  The children were amazing and I instantly fell in love with a young girl named Vilma.  One day I hope to find her on facebook or through some outstanding technology that will once again bring us face to face.

The House of Hope had a house that they were almost done building called "house #5," it was our process to see if this home was where God was leading us for our future.  Maybe we were not to carry a child at all (I never have felt that by the way) and maybe it was our plan to move here and make a life.  We were open to everything at that point.  Guatemala holds so many pivitol moments for me that I will wait to write about that at a later date. The one thing I want to share is that we left that country deciding that we were no longer going to put God in a box.  Back at home we were still on the adoption journey as well.  We were on a waiting list for that perfect blue eyed caucasion girl who would possibly blend with our family well by worldy standards.  We immedietly came home and lifted our restrictions on who we would adopt and let God work.  We figured if we were to adopt then we should stop acting as though we knew what was best for our family & trust that God had a plan for us.

6 months later we received a phone call from a lady that would introduce us to our sweet baby's momma.  Remembering all the failed adoptions and calls we had in the past we were very cautious about getting excited.  I said in an earlier post though, it dosent take long to fall in love with a child, it could be a week, a day, a few minutes.  In our case it was a matter of a moment.  The lady that was facilitating the adoption placed me and the baby's mom on a 3 way call together, I was extrememly nervous and literally wanted to beg from the other line in hopes that this could be the real thing.  "Trina" was so very sweet, her voice comforted me so much when I felt as I should be comforting her.  I could tell that she was adamant about finding the right family for her daughter and I was nothing more then a blubbering idiot.

Trina asked me something like, "how would you love my daughter," and I said things like, "o my, I just will, I promise I will, I will love her so much."  I said nothing educated or even rational.  I talked very quickly and in my heart was just pleading for her approval.  She told me later that she knew I was nervous and because of that she knew that I was sincere.  God bless her big heart... she gave her life and gave me a daughter.

On Dec 9, 2004 Ilana Myah was born.  Her mother let us name her and we gave her the 1st night in the hospital with her baby alone.  We arrived the 2nd morning and met Trina with a big hug and lots of tears.  Never have a met a more humble selfless person who has great love for her children. 

Before our trip I had set my eyes on what I thought our family should look like.  When Ilana was born the Lord gave me a healthy stunning little black daughter.  O, how I love her!  By us putting God in a box, it almost made us miss the most precious girl I have ever laid eyes upon.  We walked into the nursery and while washing our hands I heard the nurse ask for the baby.  There was so many children in the room, so we peaked over our shoulders trying to get a first glance at her.  Like a blur they rolled her by us and it was so hard to see...our hearts were beating out of our chests.  I could not believe that this was it...she was here, she was really here! 

We were moved to a private room where she lay waiting for us.  We walked in slowly as if we had never been in the presence of a baby before.  When I lay my eyes on her tiny form, my jaw dropped.  I had never seen anything so delicate, so valuable.  She was a gift that I never could afford. I remember saying aloud..."stunning, she is stunning."  We were in awe.  She came home with us at 4 days old and has never known another mommy or daddy.  She certainly knows that mommy's special friend Trina carried her in her belly for me, while mommy carried her in her heart and waited.  She is an answer to many prayers and a deliverance from the restrictions the world offered me.  Our family looks just as it should, she was the missing piece and brings us so much joy.  We continue our relationship with Trina, its a priceless sisterhood that many adoptive families never get to experience.  Our intertwined lives have to be so beautiful to the Lord

Ilana and Tanner, although so far apart in age are by far very close siblings.  Tanner has adored her since the first moment.  She was created to be his sister and him...her big brother.  I saw Tanner grow up without any siblings and everyday I wished that he had someone to share life with in that way.  When Ilana turned 2 and then 3, we were still continuing to try to conceive.  We have always felt strongly that we would carry a baby.  I have asked the Lord for years and years to take this desire away....allow me to settle and be satisfied.  I have never had relief from it.  Many have said things to me over the years, making asumptions that because I still pursue pregnancy that I must not be happy with what I have.  The things people say can sometimes spin my head off axis...The truth is, that my desire is not of me. Personally, Id rather not have it constantly trying to consume me.  I do love my kids, and are grateful for them in a way that many mothers that have not had infertility or pregnancy loss issues never get to experience.  I dont take how they got to be with me for granted by any means.  My relationship with the Lord has put me on this journey, He has chose this for me and I have decided in the last few years to embrace it.

My travels continue and as we close the gap to the past we come up to a very present pain.  I share this with you while it is still fresh and raw.  My next blog will start on August 10, 35th birthday.  The day I found out we were expecting!!