Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Rewind Part 3

   That was the beginning of our 2nd miscarriage...babies #3, 4, & 5 followed shortly after.  Within 2 years we had lost a total of 5 sweethearts.  I was on a mission to find out what was enabling us to carry forward.  I was grieving terribly and quite honestly alone.  Most people show empathy after your 1st and 2nd loss, but when it exceeds that, they tend to lose the ability to comfort you.  Its as though you have a disease and for some reason they think that if they talk to you that your head will spin off and you'll throw out crazy farts or something.  Ive never understood this.  I would love to just take a moment to educate people on what to say and what not to say in times like that, so that you can defeat any awkwardness you think it going to happen.

   First off, never ever ever tell a women that God must have needed her baby or that what happened to her must have been mother natures way of saying something is wrong.  Both of those phrases are incredibly hurtful and idiotic.  God dosent need babies...God dosent need.  He is God!  God is not punishing us or using selfishness to crush the very desires He has given me.  He is my friend and when people would say things of that nature it is assuming that Gods loyalty is not in our friendship.  Also, mother nature...wow.  I first of all dont know who that is, and secondly all it does when this is said, is tell the grieving mother that something was not right with her baby.  Thats like saying, "its ok, your baby must of been deformed and had to be rejected."  What an awful thing to say.

  I know most people just dont know the right words and so I always had grace for them.  I never once got defensive about any comment of the sort, but in my private time I would be so angry at the ignorance of them not being able to just hug me....without saying anything.  Why do they think they need to say anything at all?  Just be my friend.  When Job in the bible lost everything, his friends came rapidly to his side.  They tore their clothes and grieved with him saying nothing for several days.  It is only when they opened their mouths and began to speak, that they assuptions came and they did just as much damage as the pain that Job was already encountering.

   The best thing to say when a friend has any kind of loss is a simple, "I'm sorry."  You cant go wrong with this.  Its the truth, you really are sorry.  You dont have much more to offen then that.  I tell you from experience that the most powerful thing you can do when a friend is hurting is show up!  She/he will remember for the rest of their lives who was there and who wasent.  That I know for sure.

   I posted an article on facebook's FAITH N FERTILITY JOURNEYS site that talks about the 10 things you dont say to a person who has had a miscarriage.  Please check it out so that you dont accidently hurt someone you love.

   In 2004, we started looking into adoption.  From December 03 to April we had 5 failed adoptions.  These were just as hard as losing our womb babies.  Each time we had our hopes up, they would fail us.  Its amazing to me how short of a period of time it takes to fall in love with the idea of a child.  We had a mother who sent us ultrasound picturs in 3D along with sounds of the heartbeat.  The babies mother resembled me in such a bizarre way.  She had the same frame and hair/eye color.  Her smile was very similar as well.  I knew she was carrying a baby girl, and had such hopes that we would look somewhat alike also.  We talked day and night over the internet and phone.  I fell in love with her and wanted to meet her in person badly.  We were saddened to receive a email one day saying that this girl was indeed scamming 2 other families for money and items.  I was devestated, it shocked me to know that there was such a thing happening.  It was a mockery to our pain and the pain of many families who were despertly wanting to share their homes with a baby.

   In April we discovered we were pregnant again.  This is our 6 little one.  At this point we had assumed that my problem was poor progesterone support in the luteul phase of my cycle.  We were told with the last 2 babies that if I took progesterone suppositories when I found out I was pregnant, that it would support my pregnancy and everything would be ok.  So we did just that and things seemed to be going well.  I was 7 weeks pregnant and wanted badly to do an ultrasound.  My doctor urged me to wait a few more weeks.  I went to the accupunctuist to try to relax, ate tons of herbs...red raspberry, wild yam/chastetree, vitamins, and fertility blend.  Everything was fine...until we again received a call from the doctor saying my levels were declining.  I raced home to lay flat but my attempts didnt help and my loss started that night.  Our baby died on the same day as our very first miscarriage years ago, May 23rd.

   We were scheduled to leave with our church to Guatemala just a few days later.  I knew our mission trip would be hard being pregnant but we felt so strongly that we needed to go.  Now we were facing losing the remainder of my pregnancy while abroad.  We were relieved also to just leave our home for awhile, and take time to gather ourselves.  We were in major conteplation over weather we were to move there and be house parents to a group of orphans, so much that we took Tanner along to see how he did in the environment.  Chad, Tanner, & I buried our baby under the mulberry tree in our side yard and loaded a plane on the same day.  It was the lonliest time of my life.  I had never been so confused about what I was to pursue and how to pursue it.  I needed the Lord to give me peace.  He was my only comfort and was always there in the middle of the night and through the raw deep cries of a broken heart.  He whispered truth to me and always gave me the hardware to fight the enemy of deception.  He rose me up time and time again.  Praise be to you Lord!  Thank you!