Sunday, October 17, 2010

Day 1...Rewind to the past

   We started our "wanna baby" voyage back in 1998.  I was just dating my husband at the time but news was that we were gonna be married :)  After having delivering a healthy son previously to knowing my dear Chad, I was certain that when he & I were ready to "try" we would have no problems at success.  In Sept of 2000 we married and were a small family, with our son Tanner only 5 yrs old, I badly wanted to add another child.  I yearned for Tanner to have a sibling and so the journey began.
   I have tried nearly everything on the market for fertility health...vitamins, herbs, medicines, techniques, procedures, and prayer.  There isnt much that I havent researched or experimented with myself.  Our hopes of having a baby quickly soon turned into years and years of struggle, so I meet you as a mature women of all the "tricks in the book" and Im very aware that a wife's desire to becoming "with child" can easily turn into a heartache game.
   This game is one that can be played with many supporters rooting you on or in a private setting, such as the bathroom toilet with hidden stashes of pregnancy tests behind the shampoo bottle in the cabinet.  Its a mental nightmare to those who have been trying and trying.  Every month is a death, the death of a dream & a imagined fantasy.  Month after month I would bargain to God that this was the "perfect" month.  Due to some birthday or family celebration, this would make the perfect story...and so thats where my prayers would become intense begging.  I would plead with God for a "story," with perfect timing and the perfect time according to me...was always NOW!  I am so thankful that God has pity on our poor spirits in those times and gently comforts us when that private place is full of tests with only one pink line.
   Our first baby after Tanner was in May of 2001, one yr after marriage.  I had been bleeding for 2 weeks which wasent that shocking considering my cycles were never regular or even somewhat normal.  I spoke with a friend on the phone who convinced me to take a test since she was so certain that I must be pregnant.  She indeed was right and although I was so excited, I called my husband home from work to rush to the ER.  My gut was telling me that something was not right and that our first night being a new mommy and daddy may not last til morning....