Friday, October 29, 2010

Bubblegum, Chocolate Bars, & Tootsie Pops!

  My butt is growing bigger and bigger as I sit here, the Internet beckons me in the wee hrs of the morning til late late at night.  My anticipation for our future plans keeps bringing me back to this swivel stool and today I snatched the kids' candy to enlarge my hiney even more.  As I munch on bubblegum, chocolate bars, & tootsie pops, I feel pretty good...kids are gone, house is quiet, and I can do all the research I need til my cup overflows.


Since our baby loss in Sept, we have now started a new program and look forward to all the pieces falling into place in February, when we do our procedure.  As of now I have added to my list of meds, fertility blend (3x day), Folgard, COq10, aspirin, and soon birth control...how ironic.  Chad also has his daily diet of herbs and vitamins, including fertility blend for men, COq10, multivitamin, selenium, & a 88mg aspirin.  Some days after we take our meds we are so full we don't eat for the rest of the day...:)


  A sweet friend of mine has approached us to help us with our finances and to move forward with our new venture.  Morgan, has offered to do a benefit/auction/raffle for us in Bluffton this December 5th.  Preparing for this and everything else can be a little overwhelming, but things are starting to settle into the right places.  We have a few women who are excited to help find donations, food, etc. to make the benefit something special.  We received our bill from our surgery and its just under $27,000 and along with our new Dr which come to $10-13,000, we are a bit out of our league to say the least. 


  I have state insurance but it doesn't cover pregnancy so hopefully as we work on them covering costs, we can just have the benefit go towards our new adventure.  There should be a way for them to cover due to the outcome.  This is just another avenue of faith that we need to have, knowing that God is going to make a way.  I want to share a letter that a friend of mine wrote me the other day.  I had posted that I was feeling "sad" on facebook and I received this shortly after...


"THIS IS ALL OUTTA LUV. U SAID UR SAD. HUN MAYBE UR 2 CLOSE 2 THIS. TAKE A STEP BACK AND B SURE UR ASJIN GOD WHAT HIS DESIRES R 4 U. I KNOW UR N LUV W THD WANT OF HAVIN A BABY BUT HUN STOP AN LOOK AN ASK UR SELF Y WOULD GOD MAKE IT THIS DIFFICULT. IM NOT AT ALL SAYIN UR NOT SUPP 2 HAVE A BABY IM JUST SAYIN TAKE SOME TIME 2 REALLY THINK IT THRU. HE WOULD NEVER WANT U 2 B THAT FAR N DEBT. I LUV YA . IM SORRY IF THIS DIDNT COME OUT RIGHT."


I share this to not embarrass her or degrade her in any way.  She is someone that I care about and love very much.  Its just that I don't think people understand why you keep trying when it seems so difficult.  Its a fair question actually.  I wanted to be offended by her letter but the Lord kept showing me that she just doesn't understand because she never experienced it.  I know its hard for people to relate why we would spend our time, resources, and finances on something that's not easily gained.  Its easier for them to encourage you to step back and possibly give up.  Dreams don't work that way though.  A dream is something that is deeply embedded inside of your soul, its almost as if it defines you & gives you a route through life.  Our dream is shared by both Chad & I, which makes it even more powerful and doesn't easily allow us to just throw it aside.


  When  I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming a pilot in the air force, I very much was enthralled by the Stealth bomber and wanted to fly to the best of my ability so that I could be referenced to NASA.  My ultimate dream was to work on NASA ground and do anything & everything I could for them in hopes of becoming a astronaut.  My dream was stolen when I was 16 and in a car accident shattering my knee caps, making it impossible for me to ever finish basic training.  It was my dream...and I had to let it go. 


  In 3 days the newest of NASA's magnificent machines will be launched for the last time on Nov 1st at 4pm.  When I hear of the news that relates to it or when I see the launch itself...I will cry.  There is something deep within me that still yearns for what could have been.  I'm fascinated by it, don't know why...just am.  When I was little I had a space shuttle hanging above my bed when other girls had frilly things.  I collected NASA stickers and photos, and dreamed hard about doing something amazing like that.  That dream was slipped out of my hands as though a thief snuck in and captured it from me. 


  My dreams of being a mom again are still very much alive.  I have hope til hope exists no more.  I understand how hard it is to be a friend of mine.  I know I have dramatic occurrences in my life that take your breath away, as it does mine.  I know that I can be opinionated & serious, and I know that my baby talk and brokenness of our baby losses may become a burden to hear.  But...my hope is in the Christ, who gives life and heals the broken.  My hope is alive, He sits at the right hand of the Father.  I don't know if the Lord will heal me completely but I pray for it.  I still know that He can...if He sees fit.  I also know that without hope is to be without Him and I refuse to let Him go.


  The one thing that my friend wrote in her letter that had me pondering was, "why would God make it so difficult."  I see how it can look as though I am moving against the Lord instead of aligning with Him, but because He is such a personal God I have come to the conclusion that He doesn't have to tell anyone else my dreams but me.  He created us privately and doesn't always share what Hes working in my life with others.  All I know is that I have His thumbs up and in my time with Him, I always wait for His blessing. 


  For now, my plans are to head out of state in February with my good friend Logan, to embark upon a journey that neither of our families have yet experienced.  I'm not willing to not try and to not continue on.  So many emails & posts have been made from people that are reading my blog.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I hold you very close to me.  Thank you also to my friend who wrote me her letter of concern, for I know she said it out of love.  Her letter caused me to think and to make sure that we were on the right path once again.   God has given us cheerleaders for such a time as this.  I say back to all of you, "V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!!" 


God loves you and so do I!!


(Add Logan & I as your friends on Faith N Fertility Journeys on Facebook)