Monday, October 18, 2010

Back to the Rewind...

      That time of my life seems as it went by like a whirlwind, very quickly and leaving deep scars.  I remember only focused moments, most likely because everything that was in-between was sopped with tears.  We went to the Bluffton ER and met a very nice doctor directly after my positive test.  He was the kind that was careful about what to say and how to say it; because of some compassion he still carried.  He examined me and drew my blood determining that I was indeed pregnant and that I should go home and rest. I remember green sherbert and watching a movie with my husband that night all snuggled in my bed.  I was full of worry and not at ease in the slightest, but there was something facinating about having life inside of me at that moment that encouraged me.  I believe in life at conception and knew that God hand-picked a living soul for me to hide away in myself for safe keeping.  I learned over the years to live in, "the moment," and not look ahead too far.  If I had slightly took my eyes off of that snugglie moment, I may have missed my little baby all together.  
   The next morning I woke with blood covering our bedding, we rushed again to the hospital unaware that there was nothing that you can do...I assumed the doctor would just fix it.  As we waited in the ER I felt normal, I thought if I laid very still everything would be fine.  My blood was drawn again to see if my levels were rising or deflating...during the wait I was told to empty my bladder.  As I stood up off the papered table I felt a rush of warmth.  This, "moment," is a fast vivid memory to me, I looked down as if in slow motion.  I saw my husband ripping paper towels off the wall & cleaning the blood frantically in a attempt to preserve my dignity.  He so badly wanted to "fix it" for me, but neither one of us could control anything.  The cleaning was more like smearing and was creating an even bigger mess.  The doctor interrupted this scene by surprise and calmly walked me back to the table.  I lay looking at the ceiling saying aloud, "please Lord....please Lord..." My results were in conjuction with what my body was saying.  Our baby died. 
   Never as a little girl do you think that maybe you will grow up to have babies die in your belly or that you would have to do anything other then make love to your husband to grow your family.  After the grief, we became hopeful in becoming pregnant again.  I decided to start taking prenatals and folic acid so that my body would be ready.   I started getting very interested in how the body works in all detail, and remembering that we have an awesome Creator I began to take my requests to God more and more.  It was a struggle to keep God in priority over my desire for a baby.  That would soon become the crook in my side that never goes away, something I constantly have to work through.  God was so gracious to me as always, he gave me a dear child that is waiting for me in the heavens and gave me the desire to keep pressing through.  He has given me the confidence to tell my story in hopes that you will feel connected to your own tragedies, and be brought close to our only true comforter.
   Soon, we found out we were pregnant again.  Because we thought the first one was a fluke, considering its not uncommon for people to have early prenancy loss, we did nothing different...and anticipated good results.  Doc called with my 2nd blood draw, "Im sorry, your levels went down, you will pass the baby in the next few days."  This, "moment," didnt consist of good movies and sherbert, I just laid still in silence and waited.