Monday, December 27, 2010

Our 7 wk ectopic baby 2nd ultrasound to confirm; www.7inarow.blogspot.com


This is the last of the 4 videos...we left this office and headed to our dreaded termination surgery...it was extremely hard for Chad and I to feel as though we were having a abortion.

Our ectopic pregnancy videos...4 total

I am uploading the videos that were taken the day we found out our baby was ectopic.  Even though I am a pretty "open" person with my feeling, thoughts, and ideas dosent mean that its easy to do so.  I am sharing this with the verse in mind that commands us to tell others what God has done in our lives.  Hopefully it will bridge the gap for those who dont understand the pains of infertility and miscarriage and be somewhat of a cushion to those who has experienced it themselves, showing them they are not alone.  There are 4 videos that transpired that day...the first was in the parking lot of the doctors office as we are nervous about our 7 week ultrasound, the 2nd video we are in the examination room and waiting for the dr to come in, the 3rd is a short u/s video where the doctor apparently sees something is wrong, and the 4th is at the Imaging Diagnostic Center to comfirm that our baby is indeed ectopic.  Please journey with us lightly for I dont watch these even myself..it is a reminder of the day our baby died.






Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Anonymous Letter....

 I just love this time of year...snow is gradually gathering outside, Christmas lights flickering in most living rooms, and mail starts trickling in from people you know near and far.... and then one trip to the mail box tries to spoil your season of thanksgiving by sending you this...
Ive decided even though I don't contain the capacity to defend myself, leaving that role up to God alone...I do however just want to comment on such a personal attack.  I received this letter postmarked Dec. 16th, 2 days after we had already cancelled our "benefit."  My closest friends know this as I sent out a text to 15 people on the 14th telling them that we had decided to cancel for various reasons.  The people in my life encouraging me to drop my dream of having a baby are not my closest friends and/or not believers in Jesus...they are simply people whom I don't associate with on a close basis.  My last post titled "Brace Yourselves" was about something totally different from IVF, it was a combination of things that had happened...I didn't go into detail about what had happened in that post because some things in life are just private.  I can see where a person could read that assuming it was about our journey but I assure you it was not.  I have had a few friends who are Christians ask me about the procedure with concern but never the less set it aside to love us while we continue on.  

I was not putting the benefit on for myself, there is a group of women who were volunteering their time and they also had the original idea for it, we however had changed the name of the "benefit" on Dec 12th to a public auction and dinner because Chad & I personally didn't like the name, "benefit." We had many many people donate and help for the event, I am still calling people who are very apparently disappointed that we are not doing it, and we still are in the process of returning donated items.  As for the attack against our finances...wow!  If you must know my husband and I don't work "normal jobs"...but that is what we prayed for.  We both are self employed, paying taxes on the 2 jobs we have every year for the last 4 years.  We don't make lots of money but we are comfortable and somewhat limited but that was our choice.  We prayed that the Lord would make a way for us to stay home together, raise our kids with both parents present, and still be able to make ends meet.  He graciously did that for us and each year we have been able to invest more into our kids then some that have to work outside the home daily.  We cant do some things that other people can but that was what we chose.  My husband works hard and works for others on the side, we both do ministry...he does acts of service and I lead women and help at the church. 

To the person who wrote this letter...  Your letter did not affect me and I couldnt possible consider anything in it for one reason.  You did not sign your name.  The word I can gather from this is "coward,"  if you felt strongly enough to take the time to type this up, you could have approached me with your intent.  The Lord says that when you have a problem with another person you should go to that person in private, then if that person does not listen to reason...you take another with you again as a witness for another confrontation.  You decided to write that the Lord wants me to STOP....I'm assuming this means my actions towards having another baby.  I am shocked...the Lord does not speak that way.... Period!  He gently loves his people and softly brings them to truth.  If this was the Lords work He never would have allowed you to drop a anonymous letter, say slanderous things about His people, encourage us to give us on the desire He has given us, and then insinuate that we don't care for the children that we do have already.  You then tagged His name to it as if it was from Him.  How dare you!! 

I never thought that wanting a baby would be so uprooting to someone else.  My kids have prayed for years for a brother and sister...Tanner being 17 is my miracle son.  The only child out of 8 who have survived my womb.  Ilana reminds me all the time to pray for our baby.  She just came to me on Sunday and asked me, "have you prayed for our baby today?" These kids believe in the power of prayer and I wont encourage them to give up nor will we stop til the Lord answers.  Reguardless of the disappointment of thinking I have let someone like this anonymous person into my life, I am glad to be refocused again on our goal this February.  We are still praying for a miracle and that I will be with child before then....we will soon see.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Brace Yourselves

  This has been the most overwhelming and intense week for me and my family.  We have fought strongly against the ridicule of the devil coming from so many avenues.  I have decided with all my heart that he just uses people around us as tools to do his bidding.  My overall conclusion is that our victory is very close and that is why the battleground seems bloodier.  The Lord has prepared me for such a time as this although I can still be overwhelmed and have feelings of defeat, I know deeply that the Lord has already won!

  The ultimate passion of having more children and raising my family is to teach them to love the Lord with all their heart, mind, and strength.  Teaching them to fear the Lord more then fearing man or even fear itself is vital.  To fear the Lord is the only way to acquire true wisdom, which can apply us and enable us to live effective lives.  The children we raise will be equipped to have full opportunity of living in Gods abundance because we will show them how to rely upon Him.  In the beginning I just wanted to have a baby, after time I have realized that I want to train and teach another of Gods creation, to treat Him as the Creator of the world.  To give the lord honor and glory is a great privilege and this week He has reminded me of that.

  I am assuming that as the time draws near for us to carry new life, the enemies of God will gather against us.  I have heard this week alone many slanders against our future plans.  I have pity on such people who take time our of their unproductive days to waste energy on us.  I pray for them to be prepared for we do not avenge ourselves but our defender is the Most High.  I contemplated of going into hiding and become a person of solitude, to avoid people reactions.  Then I remembered the Lord Jesus and how He carried on faithfully telling the truth and loving people much more then they loved Him.

  Silence has never come easy to me and so I will speak for the Lord and what great things He is doing in our lives regardless of the enemies attempts to quiet me.  Those who spew hatred about my family due to our past, IVF, or our radical love we have for the Lord who saved us...we are praying for your hearts to be soft and your tongues to be encouraging.

  To the enemies of God who is who we truly fight against...Brace yourselves!

Monday, December 13, 2010

True Home Decor...tip on creating a Godly home

In the book The Greatest Place on Earth, the author talks about the christian home and how to transform it into a "Kingdom Outpost."  Here is a list of some practical things you can do in your home with your children and spouse...

*Supper time made into a time of worship...Ask each person, "What did you hear god say today?" Teaches us to listen for God and that He does speak to us.
*Prayer basket...add any request you hear of into a simple basket, each person pull one out during meals & pray for the person on your slip of paper
*Control the TV...if it uses the Lords name disrespectfully or isn't wholesome, turn it off
* Church is not negotiable..Its Gods idea
*Everyone has a bible for their own age or reading level
*Bedtime scripture, memorization
* Talk about God...If you love Him then you will speak about Him
* People should feel special in your home
* If you whine you automatically lose any argument
* Dads respected, mom is loved, and children are nurtured
* No interruptions at dinner…phone and TV turned off…everyone helps cleans up
*No sarcasm..idol talk, course jokes
* Repent and forgive in front of your kids
* Consider everyone better then yourself
*Be generous to each other
* No lying....no "simple white lies"  A lie is a lie!
* Display grace & mercy…grace: get what you don’t deserve; mercy: don’t get what you do deserve
* Never talk about another Child's good qualities in areas that your kids could never achieve..same goes with your spouse
* Always use names when talking not “he” or “she”
* Nicknames to build each other up
*”Team Miller”  Have a team family name...
*Bless your children with the Lords name.  "I bless you, Ilana Myah Schlichter in the name of Jesus Christ"
*What I love about you…instead of saying an easy, “I love you”
*Happy thoughts before bed, (can they hear the tv…be careful what they hear before bed)
*Say I love you by name
* Always say thank you…using manners
*Create laughter...Even at yourself but never laugh at your children or at your spouse
*With kids:    Don’t react quickly…think first then discipline
            -Have direct words...Get to the point “that unacceptable, you’re in danger” when disciplining
            -Discipline must hurt in order for them to think 2ce about them doing it again
            -Discipline must be private and prompt, talk at eye level
            -During discipline use no yelling and foolish threats
            -Explain rules: When do you obey? The 1st time...When do I discipline if you don’t?  The 1st time.
            - No punishment for telling the truth the 1st time, consequences but not punishment
            - “We are on your side”
            -Kids are free to fail

*With your family always chose nutrition over convenience
* Dress modestly
* Home is a safe place to speak freedom to express but not be disrespectful
 
Our goal as a family should be to create a safe haven for our family members...a place within the world where they are not judged, ridiculed, and most importantly loved beyond measure.  We also can be that to a hurting friend or stranger...we can be a Kingdom Outpost to everyone around us.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Benefit Auction...preparing for February

Sometimes February seems so close and then other days its so far away.  Some days I am confident and ready to pack for Missouri then other days I am hesitate and a little afraid.  I know leaving my family for two weeks will be a difficult thing to do, I am hoping to be so grounded in the Word and in the faith I have been given, that my time away will fly by quickly!

A few girls and myself have been planning a benefit for our family to be able to raise the funds to go.  A great friend of mine, approached me a few months back and offered the idea.  We have met 4 times and gathered ideas and accomplishments and now we are 7 short weeks away from the date.

January 22nd from 4-8pm, we will be serving dinner and having a live auction at the Life Center in Bluffton.  Dinner consists of pulled pork sandwiches, tator tot casserole, baked beans, cole slaw, and dessert.  We are selling tickets for the dinner in advance for $10.

The auctions consists of donated items from businesses and individuals.  We are short on donations at the time so if any of you reading have ideas on things we could auction, I would love to hear them.  So far we have a handmade quilt, some restaurant gift cards, movie tickets, guns, air duct cleaning job, pampered chef items, 31 Gift products, Beauti-control, Lia Sofia, and Mary Kay....We are hoping to have more items to offer at the event.

We are also doing a raffle for a live grass fed, hormone free cow.  Raffle tickets are also sold in advance for $10.  We are hoping that this will be a hit item and that tickets will sell well.  If you would like dinner or raffle tickets just let me know...  Better yet, if you would like to sell them for us, I will almost agree to kissing your feet :)  We just need the help so badly.

Tonight we had another "benefit meeting."  Before I went I had a moment of weakness and started to cry. Chad was so sweet to comfort me and tell me how it was going to be ok.  As though it seemed I was crying about the benefit and our somewhat poor progress, I really was aching because I shouldn't be planning a benefit at all.  I should still be pregnant. 

I ran into a friend of mine who had the same due date as me this last week.  I was happy to see her, as she is always so friendly.  As I looked at her smiling face, the corner of my eye caught a glimpse of her belly.  I was so surprised to see how big she was.  It was as though I could see right through her belly and took a big sigh.  Although I don't allow myself to feel sad when others are blessed anymore, I did sigh because I was able to cast eyes on what could of been and should of been for us.

I missed my baby today.  I wanted to be holding my belly at home making cupcakes for Ilana's 6th birthday tomorrow, instead of running to a meeting.  I am grateful that I have friends that could come and help with everything and I met tonight a girl who had a spirit of refined gold, that breathed life into me.  Even so, in the back on my mind I am always thinking about my little ones and how badly I just wanted to spend more time with them.

Tonight I will regain my composure and press forward, as only the Lord gives me strength to do.  I pray that we stay on His blessed path and that we are led so closely by the Spirit. 

If anyone has ideas for our benefit or would like to help please don't hesitate to ask.  We are praying for that very thing.

Thank you for reading and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Do you deserve this bed?

Sometimes I wonder what all I take for granted...how many of the things around me I feel is situated there because of something I have done on my own. 

I laid awake last night when the question came to me..."Do you deserve this bed?"  I thought about how good it felt to lay down and be comfortable, and answered with a proud, "yes, I deserve it because God says He will give me rest...so yea, I think I do." 

Quickly I heard a response question asking me, "Do you think you are better then those that love God and don't get a soft place to rest?"  My answer was a bit more humble and I thought, "no...I know that I am no better, maybe worse."

Question:  "Then what makes you think your rest is deserved to be better then others?"

Ugh!!  Don't you hate it when you are convicted of your internal sicknesses! 

Yesterday I spoke with a dear friend about loving her husband through all circumstances and training herself to not say aloud the criticisms she would like to say to him.  Shortly after, I was demeaning to my own husband in such a way that was cruel and detestable.  How quickly I remembered that conversation as I lay awake last night, letting the bitterness between him and I go down with the sun.

I deserve very little, if anything.  When your eyes are open to the nasty world of "entitlement" and you see it for what it is, you realize that the only reason you have anything is because of grace from God.

I don't deserve a soft bed while others lay on dirt floors, prison cells, or in coldness.
I don't deserve a steady upright husband while others deal with daily beatings, deception, and abuse
I don't deserve 2 healthy children as many women will never feel life inside of them and hear the words, "mommy."
I don't deserve a growing church family, a checking account, friends, family, and the holiday celebrations.
I don't deserve cold milk in the fridge, or canned food...

My point is that I am completely aware today that I am nothing without God, I am only something because He says I am His.  I have all I need because his great mercy throws it down upon us all.  Without Him, we have nothing.  Entitlement is an enemy and a lier to all of us.  We are entitled to nothing, just spared because He loves us.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Drive Him crazy

One day Jesus told his disciple a story to show that they should always pray and never give up.

"There was a judge in a certain city, " He said, "who neither feared God nor cared about people.  A widow of that city came to him repeatedly saying, 'give me justice in this dispute with my enemy.'  The judge ignored her for awhile, but finally he said to himself; I don't fear God or care about people, but this woman is driving me crazy!  I'm going to see that she gets justice, because she is wearing me out with her constant requests!

Then the Lord said, "Learn a lesson from this unjust judge, even he rendered a just decision in the end.  Don't you think God will surely give justice to His chosen people who cry out to Him day and night?  Will He keep putting them off?  I tell you, He will grant justice to them quickly! 

Luke 18:1-8

Saturday, November 20, 2010

IVF in a Nut Shell

Here is a rundown of IVF and a simple common protocol for the procedure.

IVF is the most common form of ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology). If the fallopian tubes are damaged or the sperm is poor, It is a most effective treatment. The eggs are fertilized in a laboratory, and the resulting embryos then are placed into the uterus 2 to 5 days later. This procedure achieves remarkable pregnancies even in women with hopelessly damaged fallopian tubes, seemingly sterile husbands, and even “unexplained” infertility. Extra embryos are frozen and saved for a later, much less expensive future pregnancy.

Step 1...Take lots of tests!
*The below labs are required by the FDA for both males and females before going through IVF and it expires after 6 months:
ABO group and RH type
Hep A AB IGMHep B core IGM ABHep B Surface AB QualityHep B core Antibody totalHTLV/I-II
RFX/WBHep C virus ABRPR (Dx) W/ reflex confirmationHIV 1/2 AB Screen W/ReflexCMV IGMCMV IGGCystic Fibrosis Screening on one partner only at any point in your lifetimeCT/NG

Step 2...Semen Analysis and Ultrasound (Easy stuff)

Step 3...Lots of shots!! Injectable drugs are to stimulate your ovaries and produce eggs. It is different for every person as to how much and when. Typically its daily injections for an average of 10 days and careful monitoring of the ovaries by ultrasound and hormone levels by blood tests every day or every other day.

Step 4...Egg Retrieval
Eggs are retrieved by ultrasound guided needle aspiration under light sedation (in the operating room). This involves no surgical incision and virtually no pain afterward.

Step 5...We are parents!
Egg meets sperm through a procedure called ICSI (used in most IVF treatments), one healthy sperm is chosen and directly injected into each egg. Over 100,000 babies have been born with this new technique, from men who were otherwise considered hopelessly sterile.

Step 6...Transfer!!
3 to 5 days after egg retrieval placed very simply into the uterus through the cervix with a tiny catheter. No incision and no anesthetic are needed. An hour later you are able to go home. There is no pain from the procedure.

Step 7...Dreaded 2 Week Wait!
The most horrible wait of any women is the wait for a baby. This 2 week time span will bring the news of life or loss for the parents going through IVF.  This is a hard time for parents and need to be aware of symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Step 8...Rejoice
Our Doctors office announces their success rate month by month.
August 88%
September 60%
and....drumroll please.................
In October it was a 100%

The first baby born from IVF turned 30 this year, since then, some three million people have been conceived by IVF, enabling otherwise infertile couples to have the child they longed for.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

How I really feel about doing IVF

In the past few months I have received great heat from others about our family decision to do IVF.  It first happened before the decision was made, I was at a retreat with some friends and afterwards headed home with opinions, ideas, and revelations from everyone but the Lord.  It seems that apparently He was running around giving everyone glimmers of the journey I was to be on, everyone but me at the time.  I spoke to a women that day that encouraged me to not listen to other people when they come to me with a word from the Lord, or if they have a opinion that they believe is inspired by their faith in God....UNLESS, the Lord has already put that burden on my heart. 

For instance, if a person is working in a job that they are undecided about and have taken it to the Lord in prayer and came out with a result that made them feel that they can leave the position, then a friend comes and says that through prayer they feel like the Lord wants this person to quit their job....then I would say that that person should consider a job placement somewhere else.  Its called confirmation.  God does not typically tell everyone else your business without letting you know first what He desires for you.  He doesn't typically go to any group of people with orders of repentance or change unless He has already softened them and prepared them to receive what He has for them.  In return, the soft prepared person would drink the word that was brought and fall in repentance to the Lord.  He's not a God that hides your will for your life from you in hopes to tell someone else whats up with you.  He is a personal God and most definitely will bring it to you ...to your heart and to your face.

Since that first encounter or judgement, I have seen and heard lots of rumors, remarks, and received emails about what my brothers and sisters in Christ believe is right or wrong for me and my family.  The insinuation that because we are continuing with IVF reveals a lack of faith for our home is appalling.  We believe with all our heart that we are clearly on a well lit path and our faith is strong in the Lord and what He can do.  I know that many feel that we are weak and confused, I want to make sure everyone understands that what we are confused about is the reaction that we are receiving from the body and NOT the path we are taking.

Another insinuation is that we must be out of Gods will to press forward in this procedure.  Wow!  Please know that if this your thoughts, that I kindly want to tell you that my life's will, the one God has prepared for me...is mine.  Mine alone.  Its told to me in secret meetings and discussions between me and the Creator.  There is no way anyone, other then my husband, could possible know the complete will God has on my life. 

My job as a follower and believer is to love God, love others, and submit in love to my husband.  Months ago the Lord confronted me about laying down my ability to have a baby.  I have carried this burden for many years and again He came and asked me to switch Him yolks.  I honestly admitted to Him that I physically couldn't.  I have tried so many times and didn't know how or was unable to follow through.  Because the Lord is such a sweetheart, He gave me an alternative, He asked me to give it to Chad (my husband).  To me that sounded like something I could actively do and loyally give it up.  Chad hasn't made many decisions in our years of trying to conceive and he was a bit shocked and ready to take on the load.  I agreed in a vow to not make any decisions regarding our fertility, meds, doctors, procedures, etc.   I would not even order my prenatals or make Dr appts.  He would do it all.  It was the biggest relief from this burden, I cast it upon Chad who handled it without as much emotion as I and he jumped right in  researching and praying about our journey.  I am faithfully claiming my vow and following his lead, this is a light load for sure.  I simply ask Chad to pray for certain things while I ask the Lord to give him wisdom.  when Chad has a answer or feels a certain way, I agree in obedience because that's what the Lord has asked me to do.  Whenever a person rises up against me and asked me to reconsider my plans, they are in light asking me to be defiant to my husband, abandon the glimpse the Lord has shown us, and rebel against His will for our lives.  God is asking us to be faithful and trust in the unseen.  Although many peoples intentions are good, they are ultimately asking me to be a wife unfaithful to my spouse and to the Lord.

I have heard that some feel there is an alignment between IVF and abortion, I have also seen extreme comments saying that children that are conceived through IVF and similar procedures are not even children from God.  Some seem to think that these children don't even belong in the kingdom of heaven.  Some state that infertility to them is Gods way of putting chlorine in the gene pool.  whether you are extreme in your views or slightly undecided, whatever comments you throw out are crushing to our spirits.   the shocker to us is that our persecution is coming from 100% believers.  Never once have I received one statement or second thought from someone outside of the body of Christ.  What is going on? 

We still pray for the Lord to heal my body.  Shockingly enough its not our first choice to have this procedure done, we would much rather lay together and become pregnant and save the money and time.  We would love for the ending of our story to be that God just took my broken body and made it whole.   We know that the Lord can still heal us but we don't know that He will.  Since we decided that we were going to pursue this option, I have been in contact with women that I never would have known.  He is giving me a voice to their desperate hearts, I'm not sure why me, but its happening.  I would suggest that these women are part of his plan for me as well.  I assume that He loves them generously and wants them to have someone to walk with them through their pain.  Its not unusual for Him to allow you to experience something for the sake of someone else.

I am confused about what people expect from us.  I feel their not happy with IVF and point out our "lack of faith", and then I see them asking for the miraculous for us, when indeed after examining IVF I have come to the conclusion that it is nothing less then miraculous.  For those of you who don't know the procedure involved, I will blog that in the next few days so you can examine it with me.  Most who have voiced opinions for us want Chad and I to believe in a whole healing and wait for the Lord.  I know in all of my spirit that God is capable of the unimaginable, and I also know that He sometimes does that in a way that is not our own, requiring even more faith.  We believe our faith is at an all time high, we have nothing left but faith.

I wonder what people would think if we decided to not find medical care, and allow my body to become pregnant.  It can happen, the chance is there, but with that chance poses a great risk.  My left tube is gone, my right tube is completely defective.  Because of the scar tissue inside and out, this tube cannot support a babies travel route.  Its like swimming through sea weed, it most likely will get stuck and implant where it is.  Although, the Lord can change all of that....He may chose not to.  I feel as though the Lord was so gracious to us after 12 years to finally reveal what was truly going on in my secret places.  He showed me the severity of my tubes and although our baby died, we now understand what has been going on.  This information has given us the ability to make wiser decisions.  If we were to be pregnant again there is a 90% chance my baby will die in the tube.  Is everybody ok with that? What would they say then? Would it be ok for us then to have IVF since another baby is gone along with my last tube? Most likely they would then taint the promise the Lord gave us through scripture and prayer and announce that it must be His will for us not to have a baby at all.  Who's lack of faith is it?? 

The Lord has taught in the last few weeks to not be our own defenders.  I know that I don't have to plead my case or rise up in a rally to get people on my side.  He will sustain us when persecution comes.  I can petition however for those who love us truly, to tighten their lips and open their hearts.  Try to love us regardless and love us as you will need love when the whole world backs you in a corner.  It will happen, it always does.  I pray for the Lord to show me where I have been in judgement against others as well and to make me very aware when I pose to do it again.  For I know in my heart that its incredibly painful.  For we have been hurt beyond measure.

When do we become human?


When Do We Become Human?
Creation Magazine Oct-Dec 2010

...Life is a continuum, from the time that they Creator first knew us, through conception, the various stages in the womb, birth, childhood, adulthood, old age, death, and eternity.  At what point in that continuum do we become human?

Prominent scientists advocate different points of humanness.  Whose opinion is correct?  Does science really give us the answer?  Ultimately we must turn to God's Word to find the answer.

Every time the Bible speaks of the unborn it speaks of a person.  Jeremiah 1:5 says God knew us before we were formed in our mother's womb. David said he was conceived with a sin nature (Psalm 51).  Surely the only way we can have a sin nature is to be fully human at the time of conception.

Science may give us wonderful insights into the development of a baby, but it cannot answer the question of when we become human.  Only God's Word sheds light on that mystery:  We are fully human at conception.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Monday, November 15, 2010

(Journal 9/18)

...."If I could stand by a sign that was labeled with my need, my sign would say FAITH.  I know who faith is, but it seems the intensity of faith that I possess is insufficient to fulfill the order needed now.  I'm low on funds, even though my account is full.  Ive had an extended account attach itself to my personal one...and its empty, waiting to be filled.  It seems the task now is to top off that compartment but I am lacking the filler.  I have doubt in my heart.  I cant pinpoint it, it seems so complex. Lord, I know your so big, sufficient, and loving.  I know you sustain me and that its all for your glory but even though I know all this, why does it feel as though I don't believe it fully?  Ive trusted you, gave you praise, and loved you, not perfectly of course but I have been yours.  A new place is where I go with you.  I want a newness with you.  Help me LORD to focus, be steadfast and loyal, to understand and to give you glory in all joy and pain.  Teach me to be a witness and to hear you.  Teach me to pray in abundance.  Cast your bounty upon my head O Lord, anoint me with your tenderness once more.  You are my covenant keeper, my most trusted confidant and friend.  Give me strength in your gift of long suffering, help me to endure trouble without complaint.  Free me from myself and bring me close to your side Lord, hem me in near to you.  This I pray through the name of power, Jesus Christ.  Today I beseech you Lord through voice to rescue me.

"Because he loves me, "says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name..."

Natalie Grant '' Held '' (Christian music in English) Musica cristian...

Rescue-Desperation Band

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Today is the day...

Today is the day that I would of checked your weekly growth.  I would of been so excited to see the long list of things you have accomplished so far.  I have known that you were growing and that your heart beat beautiful rhythms inside of me, but I would have been excited to know that your vocal cords were forming and this week you would practice vocalizing although with no sound escaping.  You would be preparing yourself for that first breath of air and your first song you would sing as you were born.  Your body is covered with such fine hair and a smooth coating to protect you.  If I could peek inside I would know for certain that you are a boy or girl, unless of coarse you have your legs crossed.  If you are a girl you would already have in place the organs that you would need to be a mommy someday.  Your uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and if your a boy then your boy parts are all perfectly there as well.  I would sing to you throughout the day knowing that your ears are perked and you can hear my voice.  This week your little bones are hardening so that you can grow to be strong and healthy.  Your nerves are developing great connections and your senses are heightening allowing you to smell, taste, see, and hear better. Your tiny fingernails are growing along with the urge to suck and swallow...preparing you to eat your first meal.  Today I think of you and know that if you were here, I would be able to feel you.  I would wrap my hands around my belly and say how proud I am of you.  I miss you today.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I see my baby sister...



Yesterday as I was driving with Ilana to a friends house for a play date, she surprised me once again by saying something that tugged at my heart.  We were cruising along and suddenly she exclaims with her pointed finger up to the sky, "I see my baby sister!"  I looked back and saw her seriousness and knew right away it wasn't going to be a conversation I could distract her from.  The sky was so big yesterday with big fluffy clouds, so I thought maybe she was transforming one into the shape of a baby. 

I sensitively said, "O really..."  She yells, "Yep, there she is!  Do you see her?"  I stared to feel a welling my my gut that made me ponder on how much I really would love to see her, but I said honestly back to her, "no baby, I don't see her."  She asked me several times as if she was right in front of us, but I continued to tell her no, I couldn't see.  I said, "well, what is she doing,"  to allow her to entertain the moment.  There was no convincing her that her sister wasn't in the sky, nor would I attempt to try.  She stopped and paused as if to look really closely and stated with a giggle, "She just hugged Jesus!"  The tears filled my eyes as I realized that Ilana would never make up such a thing, I believed she was seeing just as she said. 

My believing heart caused me to have her tell her baby sister that mommy loved her.  She said yelling loudly above, "WE LOVE YOU!"  Her eyes never left the sky as if she was watching a movie....and then a few short moments later she flew back in her seat, eyes wide to the sky and laughed while saying...."She said she loves me too!"  Several times afterwards she said, "my baby sister is with Jesus," and I said, "She sure is baby, she sure is!"

It was a special moment and as I looked back in the rear view mirror to catch glances of her marvel, I realized that children are a joy from the Lord.  Ilana saw something yesterday that I may never get to see...she brought me such joy.  The separation from my children is so hard for me to daily bear, but to watch Ilana live life gives me such blessings while I'm here.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Dont Bless Me...

Last night Daddy was putting Ilana to bed while I was at class.  He read to her, sang her Amazing Grace (which she just loves to hear Daddy sing it) and then they prayed.  Daddy always prays first, mommy 2nd, Tanner, then Ilana.  But last night it was just them two.  Daddy prayed and then passed the ballet off to Ilana.  She prayed so firmly for her usual...Mom, Dad, and "Bubs" and asked God to bless us.  She remembered my friend Jeni who asked for prayer a few days ago and also petitioned the Lord to bless her also.  Then she said at the end, "bless them all, but don't bless me...Amen."

Daddy said, "Ilana, why did you ask Jesus to not bless you?" and she replied, "because I did bad things today."  Earlier the two of them had went to Lowes, and as Daddy looked around the plumbing department, she said she turned on all the display faucets and left them on.  It was so cute to hear this story when I got back home.  Ilana felt so sure that she didn't deserve or couldn't even ask for Gods best for her because she had been "naughty."  Chad gently assured her that its not what we do or don't do that prompts the Lord to love us.  Besides the fact that she really had done nothing wrong, she had felt she was disobedient and surly God wouldn't love her tonight.

It seems so silly and such a childlike story but it took me to reflection about how I often do the same thing.  Just recently I was on my way to church and had a moment with my son, Tanner.  I pulled the car over, yelled at him, and said things to hurt his feelings.  10 minutes later, I was apologizing to him and because he is so quick to forgive, we moved on and had a great day together.  In my heart though I knew that my true fault was against God and not Tanner.  He gives me instruction how to raise my children and yelling at them wasn't acceptable to Him.  He has taught me other ways over the years and I know better techniques to handle situations because of Him. 

My heart was heavy all day.  At church I sang with my head down rather then tipped up.  I felt shame and guilt for not being the mother I really can be.  I entertained the thought that I didn't have the right to worship because I had been "naughty."  Soon I remembered the freedom when forgiven, so I asked God to teach me more about being a great mother and asked that He forgive me.  Do you know the Lord always says YES to that question!! Although I disappoint myself by being myself at time, He always loves me for who I am!

Pray with your kids tonight and tell them about the amazing grace God extends to all who believe.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

One Big Sigh!

Finally its all hit at once...as it seemed to sneak around the corner at me from time to time, I was expecting it.  Common enough, its not sorrow, pity, sadness or anything of the sort.  Instead its the heightened awareness of judgement and skepticism around me that enables me to sleek away from everything and everyone easier.  Sometimes you just see it, a look in someones eye when you bring up your past heartaches & hopes for the future, as if to say, "O, here we go again."  Other times its outward comments that don't show any consideration for what you are going through.  Like how easy it is for them to get pregnant and they say it somewhat quietly to someone else so that your not really included in the joke.  I'm just pissed off today, I'm assuming already someone will have their hand over their mouth because I cussed. 

I am working on so many things at once til my mind is pretty mushy and then on top of it I feel like those that I care about the most could care less about what is going on with me...with us.  I really wanted the support of my community, my friends, and my church.  Its hard to see where their views against IVF or against us even trying again would cause them to give up on us.  The hardest part is just not really knowing who supports you and who doesn't.  Only a few have actually said that they don't...those didn't surprise me much, but others don't want to hurt your feelings so they just don't say.   You know though when you are discussing things, you can see the glimmer of foolishness that is in their eyes for you. 

Today I just want to be alone...snuggle up with Chad and tell him how glad I am that I can partner with him in all of this.  I am tired of hearing people opinions when they are not supportive.  Please pass on to your friends today... that today, I'm out!  Today, I don't care!  Today, I have no arguments for you!  Today, I don't need to plead my case!  Today, I am working on things that stir my heart and nothing less!  Today, I pray will not be the same tomorrow! 

Today is just one big sigh!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Farewell Space Shuttle Discovery Last Launch STS-133 November 2010 2010

Bubblegum, Chocolate Bars, & Tootsie Pops!

  My butt is growing bigger and bigger as I sit here, the Internet beckons me in the wee hrs of the morning til late late at night.  My anticipation for our future plans keeps bringing me back to this swivel stool and today I snatched the kids' candy to enlarge my hiney even more.  As I munch on bubblegum, chocolate bars, & tootsie pops, I feel pretty good...kids are gone, house is quiet, and I can do all the research I need til my cup overflows.


Since our baby loss in Sept, we have now started a new program and look forward to all the pieces falling into place in February, when we do our procedure.  As of now I have added to my list of meds, fertility blend (3x day), Folgard, COq10, aspirin, and soon birth control...how ironic.  Chad also has his daily diet of herbs and vitamins, including fertility blend for men, COq10, multivitamin, selenium, & a 88mg aspirin.  Some days after we take our meds we are so full we don't eat for the rest of the day...:)


  A sweet friend of mine has approached us to help us with our finances and to move forward with our new venture.  Morgan, has offered to do a benefit/auction/raffle for us in Bluffton this December 5th.  Preparing for this and everything else can be a little overwhelming, but things are starting to settle into the right places.  We have a few women who are excited to help find donations, food, etc. to make the benefit something special.  We received our bill from our surgery and its just under $27,000 and along with our new Dr which come to $10-13,000, we are a bit out of our league to say the least. 


  I have state insurance but it doesn't cover pregnancy so hopefully as we work on them covering costs, we can just have the benefit go towards our new adventure.  There should be a way for them to cover due to the outcome.  This is just another avenue of faith that we need to have, knowing that God is going to make a way.  I want to share a letter that a friend of mine wrote me the other day.  I had posted that I was feeling "sad" on facebook and I received this shortly after...


"THIS IS ALL OUTTA LUV. U SAID UR SAD. HUN MAYBE UR 2 CLOSE 2 THIS. TAKE A STEP BACK AND B SURE UR ASJIN GOD WHAT HIS DESIRES R 4 U. I KNOW UR N LUV W THD WANT OF HAVIN A BABY BUT HUN STOP AN LOOK AN ASK UR SELF Y WOULD GOD MAKE IT THIS DIFFICULT. IM NOT AT ALL SAYIN UR NOT SUPP 2 HAVE A BABY IM JUST SAYIN TAKE SOME TIME 2 REALLY THINK IT THRU. HE WOULD NEVER WANT U 2 B THAT FAR N DEBT. I LUV YA . IM SORRY IF THIS DIDNT COME OUT RIGHT."


I share this to not embarrass her or degrade her in any way.  She is someone that I care about and love very much.  Its just that I don't think people understand why you keep trying when it seems so difficult.  Its a fair question actually.  I wanted to be offended by her letter but the Lord kept showing me that she just doesn't understand because she never experienced it.  I know its hard for people to relate why we would spend our time, resources, and finances on something that's not easily gained.  Its easier for them to encourage you to step back and possibly give up.  Dreams don't work that way though.  A dream is something that is deeply embedded inside of your soul, its almost as if it defines you & gives you a route through life.  Our dream is shared by both Chad & I, which makes it even more powerful and doesn't easily allow us to just throw it aside.


  When  I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming a pilot in the air force, I very much was enthralled by the Stealth bomber and wanted to fly to the best of my ability so that I could be referenced to NASA.  My ultimate dream was to work on NASA ground and do anything & everything I could for them in hopes of becoming a astronaut.  My dream was stolen when I was 16 and in a car accident shattering my knee caps, making it impossible for me to ever finish basic training.  It was my dream...and I had to let it go. 


  In 3 days the newest of NASA's magnificent machines will be launched for the last time on Nov 1st at 4pm.  When I hear of the news that relates to it or when I see the launch itself...I will cry.  There is something deep within me that still yearns for what could have been.  I'm fascinated by it, don't know why...just am.  When I was little I had a space shuttle hanging above my bed when other girls had frilly things.  I collected NASA stickers and photos, and dreamed hard about doing something amazing like that.  That dream was slipped out of my hands as though a thief snuck in and captured it from me. 


  My dreams of being a mom again are still very much alive.  I have hope til hope exists no more.  I understand how hard it is to be a friend of mine.  I know I have dramatic occurrences in my life that take your breath away, as it does mine.  I know that I can be opinionated & serious, and I know that my baby talk and brokenness of our baby losses may become a burden to hear.  But...my hope is in the Christ, who gives life and heals the broken.  My hope is alive, He sits at the right hand of the Father.  I don't know if the Lord will heal me completely but I pray for it.  I still know that He can...if He sees fit.  I also know that without hope is to be without Him and I refuse to let Him go.


  The one thing that my friend wrote in her letter that had me pondering was, "why would God make it so difficult."  I see how it can look as though I am moving against the Lord instead of aligning with Him, but because He is such a personal God I have come to the conclusion that He doesn't have to tell anyone else my dreams but me.  He created us privately and doesn't always share what Hes working in my life with others.  All I know is that I have His thumbs up and in my time with Him, I always wait for His blessing. 


  For now, my plans are to head out of state in February with my good friend Logan, to embark upon a journey that neither of our families have yet experienced.  I'm not willing to not try and to not continue on.  So many emails & posts have been made from people that are reading my blog.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I hold you very close to me.  Thank you also to my friend who wrote me her letter of concern, for I know she said it out of love.  Her letter caused me to think and to make sure that we were on the right path once again.   God has given us cheerleaders for such a time as this.  I say back to all of you, "V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!!" 


God loves you and so do I!!


(Add Logan & I as your friends on Faith N Fertility Journeys on Facebook)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Deeper Than the Holler -- Randy Travis

Refreshed, Revived, yet stinking Tired!

  The last few 8 weeks have been an incredible madness in itself.  We lost our baby on Sept 1, a week later was back in our Dr office for a checkup.  I was totally offended by the flaky comment the Dr made as we entered for our post-op inspection, "Are you ready to come back?  O, by the way, you don't have another ectopic pregnancy in there do you???"  He actually laughed when he displayed his sarcastic humor.  I wasn't impressed.  We have since left him as you may have guessed...and so our journey continues. 

  We went through tons of God time, God "shifts"  (where our way of thinking gets stretched and tested) and God discipline.  It was as though he took us to a new plane of faith, trust, and belief.  He breathed life back into us and set us up strong.  He reminded us of His promises for our future, and showed us Him all around, making it hard to even slightly deny His workings in all of this.  He did the ol R&R on us...refresh and revive!
Boy life is so much better when you have the Lord!!

  Today I sit here very tired as I look back on everything that has happened.  It seems as though it was years ago when Thaddy left us. Tonight as I saw it had only been 2 months it explained why it still hurts so badly.  We drove home from town this afternoon and I felt the rush of great sadness.  I remembered that since I "almost" was 15 weeks pregnant today that I surely would be feeling Thaddy move around inside of me.   My heart longs for what I have lost but is steadfast in claiming the gifts soon to come.

  Logan, my bestie, and I are pursuing the same path...same Dr., same lab, same procedure, on the same day!!  I surely am exhausted with all our happening but am estactic to say the least for whats next! I cant wait to tell you what we are up to :)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Last of the Rewinds

This is my last entry of focusing on the past.  There are many things that have happened in between posts that I may share later but hopefully today we will be up to speed and ready to talk about where God has brought me and where He continues to lead me.  I have put off posting for a few days trying to bear my teeth back into this newest pain, and it’s been hard focusing.  I have found that sometimes when things sting your heart it seems natural to get to a place of, "feeling nothing."  I have trained myself to not think about hard things for a majority of the time & to make myself, "go back," is nothing less than hard.
 
  When tragedy happens the whole world tends to know for the first few days or weeks, but after that they move on and your pain becomes what it was all along...yours.  You continue to move through, cast aside, and sometimes attack head on the things that are hurting you.  It’s no longer fresh for others; it becomes private and genuinely yours.  After learning to claim it and sign your name to it, you begin to heal and can again share it with others.  That is where I step into as I open my heart to you.  I take you back to the beginning of this year, just a few short months ago.
 
   Ilana is now 5 yrs old, soon to be 6.  Tanner is 17, and making plans for his future.  Chad & I continue making a life for ourselves and our children, serving God and pursing knowing Him more, and also pray continually about enlarging our family still.  Our last miscarriage was in 04, 7 months before we brought home our sweet daughter from Milwaukee.  It has now been almost 6 years....and no pregnancy.  We had started seeing a new doctor in Ft Wayne who equipped us to use the Creighton Model Method of family planning, we were sure that this was working for us.  After being with his clinic about 1 1/2 yrs and trying his protocol, we were stuck again feeling defeated.
 
Up to this point we had been diagnosed with the following:
*Recurrent Miscarriage Loss…sometime called a Habitual Abortifact
*Luteul phase defect syndrome
*Progesterone defienciency
*PCOS
*Annovulatory cycles
*Insulin Resistance
*Secondary infertility
 
We had done the following...
*Creighton Model Method
*Basel Method Charting
*South Beach Diet for insulin/sugar control
*Prometrium (now taken 3 days after ovulation instead of when I had a positive pregnancy test)
*Natural Family Planning
*Taken...metformin, naltroxon, vitex chastetree.., tons of herbs, vitamins, & minerals
Selenium, prometrium, hormonal crème, fertility blend, and many more
*Instead cups (to hold the sperm to the cervix after intercourse)
*Clomid (10 rounds)
*HSG testing of uterus & tubes
*Genetic testing
*Auto immune testing along with too many labs to name 
 
I can make a list just as lengthy of the doctors we had seen as well... It had been a long journey.
 
  My current doctor wanted to continue using clomid to stimulate my ovaries; I felt that because I had already overused clomid according to FDA standards, I wanted to move in a new direction.  We decided after doing research that gonadatrophins with IUI may be in fact what I needed to have a baby.  Our doctor didn’t feel comfortable advising me with them because of the slight risk of hyper stimulation of the ovaries, so we went elsewhere.
 
  This is where I need to introduce my very good friend, Logan.  There are many people that have come alongside me in this process for different reasons but Logan came along at a time in her life where our struggles were very similar.  She has been facing infertility for 6 years & can relate to me in a very private way.  We met at a spa party where I was consultant.  I had started a new part time job to keep myself busy.  She was in a room of nearly 20 women and she stood out to me in a way that makes you feel you should just get to know her.  She radiates a joy to everyone she’s around…it just comes natural to her.  I can be a serious natured person & Logan just simply smiles about everything.  She is an asset to me that is rarely found.
  We became quick friends.  We worked together, worshipped together at bible study, and sought out what Gods next step was for us…together.  She became a close confidant to me about my internal struggles and hopes for the future.  We were placed in a bonded friendship for such a time as this.
  Logan, “Lo,” always spoke highly of her Doctor in Ft Wayne, so when Chad and I were on the search of a new approach, we decided to try the same place.  We loved the Dr. the first day we met him, we felt it was in the “plan” for us to be in his care.  Our first round of gonadatrophins started right away.  I was used to taking oral meds but not the injections.  Chad had once years ago tried to give me a HCG trigger shot and after much anticipation he stuck me in the belly then out of shock, pulled it out without even administering the meds….He’s an Indiana farm boy, he can deliver a cow and give shots with needles a arms length long but no way was I asking him to help me.  I learned quickly to “girl” up and give my own shots.
  The fear went away and soon I was a pro.  I took shots everyday for a week and then found out we had way to many eggs ready for ovulation and because my estridiol was so high, we cancelled the cycle due to fear of having 4 or more babies.  We were not allowed to do the IUI so out of rebellion Chad and I, “baby danced,” a lot that week.  We figured, why not!  Maybe it was foolish but in any case we didn’t conceive and was on to the next cycle, toning down my meds a bit I would be sure to respond great.  Our second round was good, everything looked great.  We did the IUI and had a 2 week excruciating wait to find out if it worked.
 August 10, my 35th birthday and the day I was to take a beta serum HCG draw.  I never like taking a normal urine test; I could always convince myself of a faint line.  I have a running lab draw that I can just go get at anytime…it’s like having a tab at the bar but not so glamorous.  The mental game of the treacherous 2 wk wait is so tough so we decided we would leave for my birthday and go north to Jellystone Water Park.  The kids could play n swim, Chad could go down the towering water slide, and I could wait for my call back from the lab with results.  At least if it was going to be a “bad” day we could find something to do to keep my mind off things.  We had decided that this was our last attempt so whatever the result, we were done spending the money & felt effortless to try again for a while.
   I got the call from the office while hundreds of people were all around me.   It was so hard to hear so I left my family and wandered away to another area full of strangers hoping to hear better.  The nurse small-talked with me for a moment and then said, “Well, it looks good, your levels are a 62,” I couldn’t even think.  It had been so long since we had heard this foreign language.  I kept saying….”what,” over and over.  She said, “Yes, you are pregnant, I know it’s hard to believe but you are, congratulations.”  I started jumping up and down thanking her.  I ran to Chad and the kids and in front of crowds of people I fell to my knees and took a moment to praise the Lord for His kindness.  I kissed my husband & had to tell him several times for him to believe me.  Tanner started praying and thanked God as well, he texted all his friends that had been praying for us that day.  Ilana started telling a lady in the pool that her mom was going to have, “brothers and sisters.”  I took a walk and called Logan, I knew that she may be sad for her own fulfillment was not yet here, but I knew she would rejoice with me.  Within a few moments all our friends and family knew…why keep it a secret, I had new life within me.  It was amazing, my birthday from Jesus was all I had ever wanted, I felt like his sweetheart!
   2 days later I had another HCG level drawn and it was again rising, everything was fantastic!!  Chad was so sure that this was, “it,” it finally was here.  We knew that our hope was not in vain, we knew the promise that we have in our hearts from God, and we knew that He would bless us not only with a child but with a strong testimony of His great Love!   Several weeks past by and I couldn’t help but be cautious.  I was so used to things dissolving that every day I would wait to start spotting or cramping.  Each trip to the toilet was a total shock for everything was perfect!  Chad was beside himself with joy, the kids & he would give me these little looks of happiness, as if to sing to me, “you’re really pregnant.” 
  We took a 7 wk belly photo knowing that it looked just as I did months before conception but we knew that our baby was snug inside, and that made it so fun.   The next day, Sept 1st we ran to Ft Wayne to do our 7 wk ultrasound.  I have longed for years for Chad to hear the baby’s heartbeat & to experience the miracle of God in this fashion, that I was so excited for him.  We took our camcorder to record our moment to share with friends & family…and probably all of facebook when we got home. 
  We went into the ultrasound room and started the procedure.  As the nurse scanned my belly I saw a slight image of the baby but noticed they scanned right by it.  I felt relief that I had seen it and waited for them to come back so we could take a closer look.  They continued to focus in a different area & then both the nurse & Doc let out a big sigh while asking me if I had any pain…Chad shut off the camcorder.  I felt great, no pain, no cramping, nothing…what could possibly be the problem?  Our sweet baby was fine, growing & thriving.  137 tiny heartbeats a minute were singing to me in the background.  Our baby was normal but living quietly in my left fallopian tube.
  This was such a nightmare, how could this be?  We finally get to a place where we are having a normal pregnancy, all my labs were good, progesterone was stable, not funky… nothing…just a classic pregnancy and now the big reveal left us with this!  We were shocked, the Dr shut the screen off  quickly & directed us to have a 2nd image done at another center but made it clear that he was 100% sure we would be traveling to Indy tonight to terminate our pregnancy. 
  Our 2nd ultrasound confirmed the diagnosis.  Our sympathetic nurse allowed us to see our baby & spend time marveling at, “his,” form.   Once Chad heard the heartbeat & saw the circulatory system working marvelously throughout our baby, he was overfilled with joy.  He ran to the van to retrieve the camcorder to record his 1st & last image of what we feel was our son.  We were allowed to lay eyes on our most treasured gift, my birthday present.
  The drive to Indy was horrific.  Screams, wailing, cries of deliverance was being magnified down the highway as we drove to our dreaded destination.  We tried to bargain with the Dr to give us a day to soak up what was going on with no avail.  I begged mercy from the Lord and forgiveness towards our baby.  I spoke aloud to him telling his the tales of the world, trying to fit in a lifetime of praise & love within a 2 hr drive.  Ilana loves for me to sing a certain Randy Travis song to her every night…saying “my love is deeper then the holler, stronger then the river, higher than the pine trees growing tall up on the hill…”  I sang to our son along our drive the same lyrics to show expression that I claim him as my child.  I was so hard, I tried my best to protect him and now I had to let him die.  I felt as though it was a sick joke, I knew the enemy would have me curse God and not trust. 
   We asked others to pray with us in agreement for a miracle to take place.  Our desperation were probably the most beautiful thing for God to hear, we drew so close to Him.  I regret not being that close to our sweet Lord on any given day.  Only in times of hardness & trial do I really long for His shelter in a way I believe He honors.  I felt as I was an infertile women who was miraculously pregnant heading for an abortion.
  The hospital was aware I was coming.  Our Dr had met us there and before I could assess my surroundings they had an IV started and reading me legal documents.  They brought before me a paper of surrender to sign, stating that I indeed was giving them permission to terminate my pregnancy.  I asked the Lord to spare me from this, I felt as I was blood signing the death of someone I loved dearly.  I understood the fear of having an ectopic pregnancy and the risk for the mother.  I knew that the baby had a 0% chance of survival but I did not want my name on the certificate of death.  I wanted to continue to breathe life into my child until the moment the Lord decided was time of departure.  I started to pray that they baby would die before the procedure.  It was a difficult request to make. I wanted to spare the Dr & myself from having blood on our hands.
  Poor Chad…he felt so helpless.  Everything was happening so quickly.  He was alone, and frightened for all of us.  He so badly wanted to rescue me.
They took me to surgery, as I looked at their faces and knew soon I would be asleep, I said aloud over and over till I remember no more….”Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord.  I hoped with all my heart that if something should happen to me, His name would be the last on my lips and if I should be restored then at least He would be praised through my pain.  I awoke with a great sadness, my son didn’t survive.  The sweet beating of his heart was stilled and the silence inside of me was great.  I was no longer 2 souls traveling in one body but a single beat with an empty womb once again.  Numbness fell over our household, sweet Ilana never knew babies die…I hated her learning that so early.  We all prayed & wept; our only hope was in the Lord.  He is the only one who had the power to sustain us.
  Years ago I was staring out the window of my living room and I saw a blackbird fluttering with all of its might in one spot, much like a hummingbird would.  I thought it was so strange and continued to watch…after a short moment I saw it fall from the sky into death.  Never in my life had an ever saw a bird die naturally like that, but I knew that everyone of them that drops from life, God sees.  Even though I’ll never share my baby with my loved one and marvel at his dimples or chubby legs, I am so grateful that the Lord laid eyes on my precious one and made sure that He saw.  He sees.  He sees me.
  My surgery left me empty and also took my left fallopian tube as well.  I now remained in a hopeless state of wondering why.  I have since worked through so much grief, have increased my faith in the Lord, and am ready to rely again on the hope that God offers his broken.  I know my child was not here in vain, the story is that we survive through God only.  My body was incredibly sore, I could hardly walk and to talk about what I really was feeling was extremely hard.  We had deep sorrow, and rightfully so.  Our emotions were random & deep, we bawled especially at night when no one was around & the kids couldn’t hear.  We were in private agony but our private personal friend Jesus was abounding in His love for us…He was everywhere. 
  The Lord brought us so much comfort.  He led dear friends of ours to meet us at the hospital and drive us home, something we didn’t even know we needed.  He had others bring us tons and tons of meals and people were praying heartbroken prayers for us.  My sweet mother & sister were here to minister to us when we arrived home.  We were amazed at the amount of support we had when we came home.  His love could be felt through other people so freely.  I know that the Lord allowed such a thing for me to comfort someone who may read this today.  Someone needs to know that the Lord is good ALL OF THE TIME.  He loves us so.
  We named our son Thaddeus, a name Chad always liked, for I feel this was his special boy.  Thaddy  (my lil nickname) is flesh of my flesh.  I daydream of him of what he must look like as a new person with Christ.  I long for the day to hold my babies and introduce them to our family.  God is so good to create such a moment as that for me.  I am still His sweetheart, my birthday present is more alive then ever, and the story He gives me is still typing itself out.  I encourage you to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and strength.
Thank you for reading my heart of hearts.